From Glory to Glory ... Little by Little.

Sometimes we feel like we're stuck. It seems we lack motivation or progress and as a result, hope can slowly fade. I've felt that way not only during this recovery, but in life in general during different seasons. But when you get your spark back, when you realize everything is temporary and that God is the One who is in control of your progress, it's as if spring has sprung again. "And all of us, as with unveiled face, because we continued to behold in the Word of God as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another..." - 2 Corinthians 3:18 (AMP).  Sometimes it's just a simple little thing that reminds you, snaps you out of your funk and says "hey! you are ok". Today for me, it was a couple co workers mentioning that I look much healthier, better, less swollen today. Ironically I woke up feeling as if my progress had not just stalled but that I had actually gotten worse. My upper lip felt stiffer and more swollen and it got me worried and wondering. I started losing my focus on Him and all that I have to look forward to. This recovery is a tiny little nothing in comparison to the recovery that He is doing in my spirit, mind and heart. This is a blip on the radar and He is teaching me to look beyond the mirror for my beauty, beyond the now for my joy and beyond myself for fulfillment. What an awesome thing to believe, to know, that I am being changed into His image despite my failures, shortcomings and weaknesses. To know that I don't have to depend on my earthly accomplishments or limited strength for my worth or ability or potential. He does it all and He is faithful to finish what He starts. It just takes time, and His concept of time is nothing like ours.

 

Just keep looking up!



This weekend, my BB was talking about wanting a little brother (this idea was put in his head by HH) and I asked him where I should get him from and he said, "the dollar store"! Hahahaha. Priceless humor, and I got it on video. Well the second time he said it...as I prompted him. It was too funny not to document! He is growing up so fast and he teaches me how to be a better person, mom and woman. Everytime we pass a church he says "mama that a church!...we go to church on Sundays". Love love. Once while we were out front playing, before my surgery, the wind was blowing through the many trees on our little street and he says "God made the wind! It sounds like music!". These are the moments to live for people.

It's Friiiiiiday!!!

I can't believe the whole month of April, the month after my surgery, is almost over! Crazy! And I made it through my first week at work. It wasn't too bad! I got a smoothie delivered to me this morning by my buddy so that was super nice. The ones I made last night from The Yummy Life blog were delicious! And very filling. You should try them!
I went to another post-op appointment today and my surgeon seemed to stare at my teeth for a long time. Not sure if that's good or bad but he pretty much just reiterated that he is eager for the ortho to get some cross elastics (more rubber bands) in the back of my mouth. He was also very interested in the book that I was reading and asked to read a page, after which he said, "I should get this for my wife". That may be a bit offensive towards her since the book is entitled The Everything Parent's Guide to Emotional Intelligence in Children. Haha!
I'm so eager to get to the point where I am not banded shut all day anymore! I've accepted that rubber bands will be in my life for awhile because I know now that they will be used to fix the positioning of some back teeth, but the the bands in front that hold my mouth shut...enough already! I also can't wait for the orthodontist to start tweaking my teeth. I think my mouth can't handle it yet but mentally, I'm so ready!
On my way to pick up BB I was listening to Air1 and heard the quote of my life..."You can't have faith and control at the same time" (- Jim Reeves). This is TRUTH people and I need to get this through my head. It may become my new mantra every morning. The rest of my drive home with BB was not pleasant unfortunately. It involved another 30 minute tantrum. Again, he was tired (he had woken up when my mother in law placed him in the car seat and had been sleeping wayyyy too long) and his teeth were hurting. Not fun. BUT I used it as an opportunity to practice self-control and patience. I tried to help him identify his feelings and let him know that I understood his frustration but it was tough to listen to him scream like that while driving in street traffic after a loooong day. It also stresses me out (and breaks my heart) for him to be so upset. I hope the neighbors don't start wondering why my child seems to hate coming home LOL! By the time I got him in the actual house my nerves were so shot that I was trembling and near tears. Yes really. So....it was a beautiful thing to find a gift from a friend in my mailbox! It's a devotional that I am super excited about!! I just read the introduction before writing this post and no lie, I am super inspired and excited to get started! The book is also incredibly adorable which just makes it more fun. To reward myself for keeping a cool head during my BB's award winning tantrum, (and let's get real, to comfort myself with food) I went out and got a huge slice of tres leches cake with a ridiculously tall layer of chocolate icing and some chocolate ice cream. I ate almost all of it and I make no apologies.

My awesome new book!

Perception is Everything...

Another gloomy day in California. But still beautiful! You can find the beauty in these days because they're so rare you appreciate them rather than wish them away. I just wish I could be cozy at home with a movie and a hot chocolate. Ok, it's not THAT cold, but all the same it'd be nice.

I was stopped by a girl here at work who I don't really talk to when we were both in the bathroom. She asked about the surgery and recovery and I touched vaguely on different aspects of it. Then she suddenly asked me, "do you need a hug?". Unexpected but, why not! Lol. A hug is never a bad thing, I just wonder what made her say that. Another lady who returned today for the first time this week said that my face and skin are significantly younger looking! Huh!? Ok though, I'll take it. It is very interesting how differently people can see the same thing (in this case, my face! lol) It reminds me of how when you have a child, some people see you in them, yet another person can only see the other parent. I actually feel less swollen today. I even think I LOOK less swollen! Yet it's the one day that no one has told me that it's gone down. Life is funny that way.
While taking a walk this weekend through my hilly neighborhood, I thought about all the times I've run those streets and how much I tend to look forward to the descent as I'm running up hills. As a matter of fact, looking foward to running downhill is what motivates me to run uphill faster, which inevitably makes me enjoy it more. Life can be like that. My recovery is the hill I'm currently climbing and I can scale it faster and enjoy the journey if I keep my mind focused on how great the "downhill" will be. This is not forever, which means eating ice cream every night will eventually become a thing of the past. So I might as well enjoy it now!

Yesterday when I got home, my BB woke up as we pulled into the driveway. He had spent the day with his cousins, thus avoiding his nap. He then began to literally just scream and cry that he wanted "to go that way" in the car. (just a random direction). When he is tired and his teeth hurt, he becomes so irrational and uncontrollable. I can relate. It was tough because I had just driven for an hour to get home, I was tired and I couldn't just pick him up at the risk of him flailing and hitting me in the face. So I sat in the back seat with him and prayed to myself for a minute (I needed Him to help me keep it under control!) and then tried to calm him. It took about 15 minutes but I was finally able to bring him inside. He just needed a hug...and some oragel. How do you all handle your two year old's tantrums? Just curious...:)

On a totally random side note: Since I can only drink my food these days, I was looking for smoothie recipes that include oatmeal (I've made these before and they're so good!). I found this great link and wanted to share with you all. This blogger's smoothies also include chia seeds and she found a way to include them  without having them turn into a thick jelly (which they do when they absorb liquid, try chia pudding!). The best part is that you make them ahead to allow the chia to do it's thing and they won't get runny since they don't have ice. Here's the link: www.theyummylife.com/Oatmeal_Smoothies I'm going to make some tonight for my breakfast tomorrow. Yay! I love shortcuts like that!

Keep the Encouragement Coming!

A little note from a co-worker encouraging me to count my blessings, another stopping by my desk to offer more encouraging words and a visit to my orthodontist resulting in praise and excitement about the progress of my bite and teeth. I love it! Hahaha, I could get used to this! It got my mind and attitude going in the right direction. It prepared me for the incredibly ignorant comment another employee came and made later in the day. She asked me where I'd been, pointed out that I'd lost weight and then asked...so is that why you did it? Yes. Yes moron, I had a double jaw surgery so that I could lose weight, because I was SO huge before that I needed to take drastic measures. Sheesh. Undeterred by my "no!" she then asked what I'm eating to stay so thin....all I could do was take a deep breath people. Later in the day I got about 4 "you look weird"s from my husband's nieces when I went to pick up my son. That was fun. Honestly though, it didn't get my attitude down since I had received so many positive vibes this morning. Thank God!

It was a little gloomy and cold today so I enjoyed staying at my desk as much as possible, reading my ebooks every chance I get. Coziness! I also had some decaf with cookies dropped into it (to soften them) and it filled me up for so long! I'll be looking forward to doing that everyday now! Yummy and filling.

I may finally post a photo of my slightly swollen face. Now that I know it's not forever, it doesn't feel as scary. Lame, but true. Maybe I'll post a timeline of my swelling so you can all enjoy the "beauty" of progress! Haha. g'night!

Little Victories

I'm blogging from my desk at work! This is my second day back and the first was a success. It went much better than I expected. Since everyone in my area knew about my surgery and were warned ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to really speak, it went smoothly. I got a lot of "welcome back" and "your face shape looks different" which was nice and then most people pretty much let me be. When walking in the hallway to go to the bathroom and stuff, I got a few double takes. That's a little hard cause it makes you feel like a freak haha but what I can do but keep walking? I can't wear a sign that says, "I had double jaw surgery". Anyway, they're allowing me to just focus on tasks other than the new system, which is nice because the new system is very involved and time consuming. It would compete with the time that it takes for me to take my rubber bands on/off, brush my teeth, sneak off to do my mouth exercises and eat (very slowly). Phew. I decided against bringing my Magic Bullet to work because it would be too much to clean and do and pack everyday. But I really need to get more creative about what I can eat. It's getting boring. Although the addition of soggy pancakes is awesome! I cannot wait until the surgeon gives me the ok for soft chewing. Grilled cheese here I come!

I finished the book I had mentioned in a previous post. It was a great thought provoking read. Choosing To SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman is about her life and faith after the tragic loss of her daughter. I loved how honest she was about her thoughts and feelings while struggling to continue trusting in God and believing that His plans are perfect. You can relate to her frustrations regardless of what you have gone through or are struggling with. There are so many awesome tidbits of encouragment and wisdom. At the point in the book where she describes so vivdly and openly the death of her daughter (at the hands of her son, a complete accident), I was completely choked up and unable to keep myself from crying. It's unbelievable what people go through and it's equally amazing how God can be our everything, if we let Him. I may buy the book since I earmarked so many pages.

It's been 34 days since my surgery. Wow. I've made a point to think about the areas in which I have made any progress, at the urging of HH, so here goes: I can now purse my lips enough to blow on my BB's food to cool it off, I can smile much bigger (although the top lip doesn't curl up...yet), my gums are looking better everyday and I may not need the gum graft surgery (yay!), it's much easier to talk even when wearing my rubber bands (since there's only 3 vs 6 and they aren't as tight), and I'm sleeping in my own bed again! I'm still keeping my head elevated though until ALL of this swelling is gone. I don't want to do anything that will slow that excruciatingly slow process down. Whenever I'm alone in the car I do ridiculously exaggerated kissing/smiling movements to get that upper lip area to wake the heck up and get flexible again (and hopefully go down in swelling). I don't know what else I can possibly do but I'm back to a place where if the swelling is going down everyday, I can't detect it. It makes me have to work harder at not getting discouraged. It's one of the unpredictable parts of this recovery. Back to work I go on this beautiful California day!

Victory!!!

I went to see my surgeon again this morning and he felt that my palate is safe with the appliance I have in as long as it stays in contact with my back molars. Dr B thinks he may have contracted my jaw a bit immediately after surgery when he was placing appliances in there. The tightness of the tissue makes it want to contract. But I won't need another surgery so praise God! We had a great little chat where I expressed to him how life-changing it is to have this surgery. I'm really starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and although I'm still too swollen to see the final result and not recovered enough to chew, I feel brand new. He was surprisingly touched. I guess no one has ever told him that before. He mentioned that he understands that people see him as the mechanic of their smiles and I told him that I totally disagreed. At least in my case. I am so grateful for his abilities and skills, his kindness and his unwavering/complete dedication to the perfection of my jaw/face. I feel so indebted to him. I told him how self-concious it has made me all my life, even when I wasn't consciously thinking about it. To hear almost all your life that your smile and jaw are flawed and need surgery makes you feel broken. Like you're not normal. I've carried that with me for years. As I got older, it had less of an effect on me for sure, but I can't describe the load that I feel has been lifted. Not to mention the excitement about being able to eat correctly! Apparently, having an asymmetrical jaw has a profound psychological effect on people and the personality traits among those who have this are similar. Amazing.
He asked me to write a review on a website that others have mentioned him on. He said that I am very articulate and have a way with words that carries with it an authenticity and he felt that others who need this surgery would be encouraged by my experience. It's something that I can do for him so I definitely will. I was most excited to hear him say that I should only have braces on for no more than 8 months! Normally it's about 6 but with the need to pull my back teeth out a bit, it may take longer. That's still such amazing news! It's a goal to look forward to. So by the end of 2015, I should be turning a huge corner in this journey for a straight smile! Oh, he also mentioned that he spent a long time on my cheekbones during the surgery, making sure they were straight! First of all, crazy! Secondly, no wonder I am so swollen there! Haha! He said my face is thin so everything really had to be as straight as possible because it would show. In order to avoid having to do surgery on my chin as well, he had told me that my chin would be about 1-2 mm off but that the average person wouldn't notice. Who cares!? I'm totally fine with that. And I can't see it haha. My whole face was apparently asymmetrical and it was something I was born with.  It's an otherwise harmless, non-genetic issue. It affects people at random. My jaw bone on the right was too long and it just kept growing, especially during my developing years. Others have it much worse, so I'm thankful. After my visit I came home, had some pureed refried beans with cheese (yea I know lol) and then picked up my baby early. I took him to the park and we had a picnic, went for a short walk around the small waterfalls they have and then played a bit on the playground. The best part of it all though was just being able to have great conversation with him. Even with the rubber bands (yup still banded shut and still 24/7 but much looser bands) I can talk now and he was so excited that he said "you talking to me mama!?" Such a cutie.

I love trees and this one is awesome.

My tiny little bear 

I joined a website called bloggingforbooks.com and I'm super excited about it! They send you books (either digitally or print), you read it and then write a review on your blog. I love reading so I can't wait to get my first one. They even send cookbooks! Yay! I'll probably post about another book I've been reading once I'm done. It's pretty amazing. Have a great weekend!

Do Your Circumstances Determine Your Mood?

So yesterday was my 4 week appointment with the surgeon followed by my first post-op appointment with my orthodontist. The appointment with my surgeon Dr. B was full of excitement because he removed my splint! It smelled AWFUL but I was prepared because I had read about that in several blogs. I was able to brush my upper teeth completely and it was so satisfying. So as I was getting ready to leave, my surgeon informed me that he wanted me to see my orthodontist once a week (sheesh) and that he wanted me to come back to see him on Friday (tomorrow). He's very concerned with keeping track of my upper palate, to ensure that it doesn't start to collapse or close back up. This would require another surgery which would be the worst thing ever. The orthodontist was to replace my splint with an appliance (kinda like a retainer) that would support the palate expansion and keep things kosher. Anyway, the last thing he says is, "just as quickly as things can progress, they can go south too". Now, why would you say that?! I know, I know, it's his duty to inform me but what a buzz kill. So I head to the orthodontist (oh just to make things more fun, my nap despising toddler was hysterically fighting his nap for about....oh, 45 minutes) and my appliance didn't fit. It didn't fit! So my ortho, Dr. S, starts to say that I must have had my palate already collapse. So I'm trying to figure it all out in my head, how is it possible for it to collapse when I have literally had the splint wired to my upper jaw? How does my splint still fit when if it collapsed? I started thinking about that pain my tongue and wondering if there was any correlation. Dr S then mentions that maybe the model that was used to make my appliance was off. Anyway, he takes my splint and sands it down to about a fourth of it's size, talks to the surgeon who he had paged and decides that there is no other choice but to stick the altered splint back in to hold the palate open until they can figure something else out. There I am trying not to panic, what if this splint (that after being sanded is not being held on by anything and falls out) doesn't hold my palate open? Did I or did I not have some collapse? What is going on!? Just to add a little more fun to the mix, my ortho was pushing SO hard on my upper mouth (I don't know why) that my entire body would cringe into a ball, my back would arch, and whimpers would come involuntarily out of my mouth. Awful. He did that about, 3-4 times. Nice. So, they can't make another model of my mouth to use to make another appliance because my jaw doesn't open enough to be able to insert the model tray. My mind was reeling, I was trying to figure everything out talking it through with my husband. But I can't figure this out, I don't know why it hurt when the ortho pushed, I don't know why it hurts when I swallow sometimes, I don't know if my palate collapsed and I don't know what will happen. But what I DO know is that God is still in control. Whatever He puts in my path to do, He will enable me to do. He CAN heal me and keep my palate where it needs to be against any and all odds, and His plans are perfect. So, I can still be happy and I can still have peace. I just need to keep my thoughts positive, pray and believe. And that's where I'm at.

Now if anyone has solutions for teaching a toddler to fall asleep alone when he never in his life has done so, share. Haha! That has been our mistake I think, he is at the age where he is fighting naps and asserting independence and we have always put him to sleep in our arms. Eeek. Well actually, since my surgery, he lays alone in his bed but my HH lays on the floor next to him. I guess that's one step in the right direction. Toddlers are a wonderful challenge.