Gratitude... Day 14

I made it to two weeks post op! I hope everything continues to go well. Today I got an awesome surprise from my HH, a pair of Oakleys!!! I've needed new sunglasses for the longest time. I'm so excited. It was just the pick me up that I needed. It was another gorgeous California day, one where you can't help but feel grateful just to be alive. My little sister went to the grocery store for me which was a huge blessing. I picked up my sweet little BB and  we watered plants and made a big mess of potting soil on the porch. I was also able to have a chocolate ice cream shake (it had protein powder so it did serve a good purpose haha). I can't deny that it was a pretty great day and I'm grateful for it.
I had a couple awkward encounters with people today. The first was my mailman, who fell badly off my porch steps and put the wrong mail in my mailbox (my house is old so it's one of those mailboxes where it falls into your house). He then knocked on the door and began telling me about how he fell and mixed up the mail and I couldn't respond. I felt so bad. So I did what I could and showed him my teeth while mumbling unintelligibly that I couldn't talk. He looked even more flustered, apologized,(people always do when I do that, not sure why) and left. I tried to ask "are you ok?" but he just looked up at me like....huh? Later, the UPS truck came and I had my screen door shut but main door open so I did what any normal person would...I hid. That was weird. Finally my neighbor came home while I was on the porch with my son and mentioned how beautiful my flowers were. I mumbled thanks, which she obviously didn't understand cause she said, "the color, it's really beautiful" and then stared at me. So again, I flashed my metal mouth, mumbled, and got another apology. I don't think she had any idea what I said. This is fun...not. Thank goodness my sister went to the store for me because all the employees know us there. My HH mentioned that he wondered if any of the neighbors thought he might have hurt me because I disappeared for more than a week, my car was gone for 4 days and when I reappeared I had a grotesquely swollen face and a bruised neck. I would love to know if anyone noticed any of that! Haha. I doubt it but that would be funny. G'night!

Okay the Party is Officially Over...Day 13

I knew this day would come but I was hoping it wouldn't come so soon. I'm officially tired of sitting around, having no real reason to get dressed (although I have been getting dressed lately) and having nowhere to go. I'm bored with watching TV (ok not really but I'm tired of it being the way I start my day) and being stuck at home. I still have so much longer before I go to work though so I pulled out an old fashioned post it pad and made a list of things that I can do with my time. I've finished two novels, which is awesome because I haven't had much time to read since BB was born but other than that, nothing productive has really happened, other than healing. Slowly. 

My swelling has gone down but is still there enough to make me feel like I'm not myself. It's just a slow process but I'm still hoping that I can get back to being me before I have to face all the people at work who wrote "you'll be even more beautiful when you get back" in my farewell card. Yes, people seem to think this is a cosmetic surgery, like anyone in their right mind would go through all this crap to fix a crooked smile. I do admit my smile and profile have always bugged me but I wouldn't have gone through all this (5 years plus of braces, rubber bands and this crazy recovery process) just to fix that. I would have let it keep bothering me all my life haha. I am super excited to be able to chew like a normal person though, which should keep me from getting bloated at every meal because I'm swallowing gigantic chunks of food. Yay. 

I picked up BB today at around the same time I would if I was working. It gives HH AND BB a break.   It's just very silent until my HH gets home. It was a really beautiful day again (California is the best) so it was a nice drive. Our house,  and neighborhood in general,  is always swarming with different types of birds and butterflies. As I was pulling out, they were flying back in forth in front of my windshield as if to say, "welcome back!" Ok I have an overactive imagination there but it was nice. 

It was a bummer not to have soup for dinner today but my little sister offered to go to the grocery store for me. Hopefully I can get some ingredients for another amazing soup. I made taquitos, rice and cheesy refried beans for dinner and ugh...I wanted to crunch into one of those SO badly. I considered blending it all into a soup but HH pointed out the obvious, that it wouldn't work. Soon enough, I shall devour everything in sight!!!! 

Palm Sunday....Day 12

Wow, I have to admit time is flying since I had my surgery. I'm glad. I never expected it to fly by that fast. Sometimes I have moments where I sit and realize with a little shock, wow I did it!
Today we went to Home Depot and Petco and I bought some beautiful new hanging flowers for the porch. I also made myself a smoothie out of vanilla ice cream and a mini powdered donut. Yes. It was SO good. I read another blog about jaw surgery and the girl would blend cupcakes into a smoothie everyday! I took a cue from her and tried it and it was wow delicious. Not as good as eating the real thing but still pretty amazing. I just had to do a little extra rinsing but it was worth it. I also cooked dinner for my little family today. It was weird to not eat it myself. At the end of the day, we walked to the park with our little BB and it was a great walk. I can't run so my HH had to do all the playing but it was still really nice to get out.

Look at this little cutie

I got a really sweet and much needed message from a great friend today. She shared with me what her priest spoke about at church, let me know that she is praying for me to recover and to remember that true beauty comes from within. Not only was it encouraging but it helped me focus on what really matters. Her priest spoke about how our days here on Earth are really just "borrowed time" and essentially an opportunity to serve Him by walking in love everyday. In other words, life is not about us and what we want and need but about what we can give and do for others out of gratitude for what Jesus did for us. It also humbled me because I have been focusing way too much on my outer appearance and I felt embarrassed about that. I know that wasn't her intention at all but I see it as a good thing. How vain I have been. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, this is a very difficult recovery in many respects but I got to the point where I was allowing the way I looked to govern the way I chose to go about my day. I have to remember that everything is temporary and being swollen (however grotesquely LOL) is not the worst thing in the world. I truly have the best people in my life. I always have. God is good, all the time.

Mmmmm Soup....Day 11

It was a beautiful Saturday. I ate a delicious soup, homemade by my mother with leftovers she found in my fridge. Yeah, she's amazing. It was the first time since the surgery that I felt like I ate "real food". Yay me! Also....dun dun dun....I went to the Dollar Tree!!!! It wasn't so bad. Sometimes some people take a second look at me but, not really. Besides I kinda had a "who cares?" attitude about it today. It was nice to be able to get some Easter stuff. I also went for a walk in the evening with my HH and BB and it was so refreshing. I love walking around my neighborhood and I've missed it. During lunch today I made my BB a grilled cheese sandwich and ohhh myyy god I was drooling over the smell of toasted bread, butter and melted cheese. I wanted a bite SO BAD! Boooo I may gain 10,000 pounds once I'm able to eat again. Is it bad that I'm mentally planning meals already? 

The swelling went down even more. Little by little but thank God it's consistent. When I brush my teeth  the stitches on the roof of my mouth (yup one of many, my surgeon cut my upper arch clean through and expanded it about 7mm) tickle my gag reflex and it makes brushing my teeth even harder but I'm hoping that they dissolve soon. Other than that, same old, same old with the recovery for today.

My mom has been an indispensable source of help during the days that she is here. That woman is amazing. She can wash my dishes, clean my bathroom and play with my son seemingly all at the same time. It's really hard to not be the primary caregiver for my son (makes me really sad actually) but I'm grateful that my mom is here to step in. He loves her so much and she loves helping out. I'm blessed. As for my HH, he took a two hour nap today. Much deserved. 

New Obstacles to Overcome...Day 10

Up until now I haven't had too much of an issue feeling overly hungry, missing food, or wanting the food that others eat in front of me, probably because I didn't feel well. Unfortunately that's all changing and it's going to make things even tougher. I  am a food LOVER and my appetite is coming back stronger everyday. How the heck can I satisfy a hearty appetite with a liquid diet!? I've gotta get creative. What makes it worse is that eating through those friggin' syringes is such a drag that I dread "eating" and try to get it out of the way in as few sessions as possible with weight gainer smoothies. Arrrggghhh. I also think I'm gonna get a little ballsy and ask my surgeon to bend or remove those metal ties holding on my splint because they are stabbing and scratching the hell out of my lips and it is painful and uncomfortable 24/7. You would think they would have invented something more comfortable by now! Anyway, if anyone has any ideas or recipes for high calorie liquid meals, share please!

Can't wait to throw this in the trash

I got to pick up my BB today for the first time since the surgery so that was exciting. I had my mom with me and that's why I was able to do so. It's difficult to not run out of energy at this point if I'm alone with him. Not to mention that when I'm wired shut it's nearly impossible to communicate. Although, he has gotten really good at interpreting my "charades"!!! Currently my HH is eating our typical Friday meal, which is a burger and fries from a local place and wow, I won't be able to eat anything like that for FOUR MONTHS. What have I done!?!?!?!? 

On a good note though, the swelling has gone down a lot today!! So much so that I'm actually less swollen tonight than I was this morning. Thank You God!!!!!!  My cheeks are still chipmunk cheeks but all around my mouth it is steadily going down. One neighbor saw me (kinda) sitting in my car but my windows are tinted really dark so I don't know how good of a look he got. He was trying to see though! HAHAHA He's a nosey but very sweet old man. I'm just counting the days for the next appointment (4.5) and hoping that my diet can grow to include things like pudding and applesauce and that I get to remove a couple rubber bands. Fingers crossed!

Sigh...Day 9

Maybe it's because I keep looking at myself in the mirror but I am just really getting discouraged with the swelling. I finally found two other bloggers who underwent jaw surgery that had this same "monkey-like" swelling. One girl called it "orangutan" swelling. So while I'm incredibly relieved, one girl woke up on day 9 of her recovery to find that it was gone (so that's apparently not going to be me) and the other girl still had that swelling for much longer. So that leaves me feeling a little crappy since day 9 is obviously not a magic day for me and the other person struggled with it so much longer. Sigh....I. hate. my. face. Right now anyway. I know, I know, I just had surgery and I need to be patient but it's hard! I went through an 8 hour surgery and I'm still pushing through a challenging recovery, can I at least not look like a chimp!? Geez. I wish someone could tell me when this will get better. I'm tired of hearing "in time" or "any day" I just want to know! At least I'd be able to look forward to it. I want to be able to go outside for a walk without feeling like a side show exhibit. I know I'm doing it to myself but I'm starting to feel like a prisoner in my home alllll day cause I can't get up the guts to walk outside. I noticed that both girls refrained from posting recovery pictures until the swelling  went down whereas others would post from day one. So it's not just me. I feel SO hideous and it's really, really getting to me. WHEN will this get better!? I can deal with swelling, I knew it was part of all this but I never expected to look this way. I'm extremely bummed. What can I do? A friend recommended using arnica (an herb) to reduce swelling and I was so excited to try it but of course, I can't find it anywhere. Awesome. Putting on makeup wouldn't even make me feel better because I look so ridiculous I think it would just make me look worse.

My face still feels very numb all around my mouth area. That's not so bad to deal with. Smiling is hard and brushing my teeth is painful. It was a lot easier to put on the rubber bands on my second try today so that was pretty encouraging. My skin is pretty shiny which I learned is a result of the swelling making your skin stretch. So when you go back to normal your skin peels (on the plus side, you get a new layer of skin which is not too shabby).  Another great thing is that the surgeon mistakenly thought my cold sore was dry skin and peeled it off! At first I thought, great, now it's gonna come back in full force. But it hasn't! So one ugly, uncomfortable thing off the checklist. My mom is coming to help with dinner tonight (nope, not for me, for the HH and BB) and I am considering going for a walk when it's gotten a little darker out, maybe it will make me feel more comfortable. All my neighbors know me though so it's tough. Even if they asked I couldn't explain what's going on cause my mouth is banded shut so... Just trying to keep on keepin' on here....Hope you are all having a better day. (My post from Day 7 erased for some reason. I googled it and there is a way to recover it but I'm so not a techie so....bummer cause it was the post with my herb garden photo haha)

First Post Op Appt... Day 8

So today I saw my surgeon for the first time! The intake nurse said my swelling was minimal and that compared to other patients I look great. HUH!?!?! My HH said "See?! I told you!" I was shocked. The surgeon immediately pulled out the tool to cut off my wires and I was SO excited. And a little scared too. He was not gentle with my mouth which was surprising. I, on the other hand, feel like it can fall apart if you stand too close. He announced that I was not doing a good job on hygiene (you try being clean with wires, braces and a tube that shoots milky shakes all over your mouth!) and told me to brush my teeth. It was scary but also SUCH a relief! I can't really open my mouth more than about a finger's width cause it hurts in the joints. I think it's due to the splint but I'm not sure. I got another nice surprise when my surgeon announced that my splint will have to be in for 4 weeks instead of 3 because my orthodontist will be on vacation..... REALLY?! Nice. Argh. He was very pleased with how straight and symmetrical my face and my bite are and kept mentioning how happy he was with the outcome while asking if I can see the difference (I can, but I'm fixated on my swollen face). When we took an x-ray I got to see the 6 metal plates that are in my mouth. Yes SIX, not to mention numerous screws. It was kinda cool. Apparently I will be setting off metal detectors, which will be fun hahaha. My HH and BB were excited to be able to hear my voice again which was sweet. I had a hilarious lisp but that's ok. Sooooo, now I am rubber banded shut instead of wired and I can take them off (in fact I need to twice a day) to eat (drink really) and brush. I was excited about that....until I got home and tried to do it. It is SO HARD. And it hurts. What was he thinking!? At least every week/appointment means a reduction in rubber bands though so that's something to look forward to.
One of my teeth has a receding gum line, apparently a possible side effect of surgery. I will have to pay to surgically correct that after my braces come off.....yaaaaay. More surgery, more money, woo-hoo....
He prescribed an antibiotic mouthwash to ensure it doesn't get infected and I got another treat when I picked it up at the pharmacy counter. I handed the lady my Kaiser card and I.D. and she says, with pity in her voice, "Oh you poor thing you look nothing like your picture. Did you have a wisdom tooth taken out?" I opened my lips to show her that no, my jaw was chopped up into pieces, re-bolted and was now immobile and she said "oh!" and went about her work. People can be so dumb, but I didn't let her get to me. It was kinda fun to shock her.

Braces + splint + rubber bands = ouch (sorry if this scares you)

All in all I still have to say it was an exciting day. Progress is progress and I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. Thank GOD for my HH. Poor guy had to listen to me scream "this is so stupid!!" while I tried to replace the rubber bands (it actually sounded more like "ish mish toe stushid!") while our two year old was rubbing a bar of soap all over his hands and hair behind me. Haha. Adventures at our house!
On our way to the appointment I was reading my "verse a day" on my Daily Bible app and it really woke me up for some reason. I've been a little restless and anxious since my surgery, so much so that I can't even relax enough to read a book and remember what I've read (I'm a total book worm). But when I read that verse, everything came back into focus, I felt like myself again and God filled me with hope and grounded me once again. It was Colossians 3:23-24, "whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance". It just put into perspective that my recovery from this surgery, that God in His grace brought me through, is an act of service as well. It made me realize that managing my attitude and approach as I encounter the difficulties of recovering can be something that I do as a service to Him. To remain grateful, lean on Him for strength and hope and do all the things that seem too hard, in His power. I just felt so full of all the things I had been lacking this past week: hope that things are getting better, trust that God has a perfect timeline, and joy for every moment that I'm here. Emotions come and distract me sometimes but I'm gonna try to keep my eyes fixed on Him. G'night peeps. (I don't know why the font changed here...sorry)

Going it Alone Post Op Day 6

So this is my first morning all alone since the day of my surgery. It's a little bit of a relief in the sense that it has been nearly impossible to rest with my Baby Bear in the house (he's only two!). But at the same time, I'm sure I'll get bored and lonely after awhile. But hopefully the added rest will help speed my recovery along. Again, I don't see any reduction in swelling this morning which concerns me a little but my Handsome Hubby says he does...is he just being nice? I dunno. I met a girl months ago who was 1 week post-op and she looked completely normal (and she hadn't lost any weight)! I think I'm comparing myself to her and as I get closer to being one week post-op myself, I'm becoming increasingly disappointed in my seemingly lack of progress. I also noticed a yellowish bruise on the entire front part of my neck last night. That was to be expected but it was still kinda weird. It's going to be tough to go out in public whenever the time to do so comes. My cold sore is STILL here (stupid hideous thing) making my bottom lip appear cartoonish in size. Apparently it takes about two weeks to get down to 50% swelling but since I saw that girl I have mentally been holding myself to her standards and I'm so bummed that I'm nowhere near that. Sigh....
Anyway, one of the weirdest parts of this recovery has been the dreams and moments where I forget I'm wired shut. For example, yesterday morning I was waking up and thought ooo since it's Sunday we should go eat at Polly's Pies (one of our favorite breakfast spots) to give everyone a pick me up. Then it hit me, oh yeah I can't eat. Another time I was watching a show with my HH and I turned to tell him something funny and realized oops, I can't talk. It's beyond strange. And a little sad. My plan for the day is to do nothing and be ok with it. I have this compulsive need to stay busy but I need to rest! Not only so I can recover but also to conserve my calories. That reminds me that I forgot to weigh myself today. More on that later...
Ok so I haven't lost any more weight. That's a plus. Hopefully I can gain some back too. I'm scouring the web for jaw surgery blogs and learning so much. Thankfully, they have helped me get positive and refocused. For today, but one step at a time. I'm learning that for some reason after jaw surgery, you start to breathe through your nose instead of your mouth when you run and thereby increase your stamina! Yay! I also read that sometimes it changes the shape of your nose (eek) and that if tongue thrust is an issue (which it may be for me), speech therapy will be required afterward to prevent relapse. What a bummer THAT would be. My prayer and hope is that God would bring me through this with flying colors, a humble and grateful attitude and without any complications. Let's watch Him do just that... :-)

One Day Closer to Relief...Post Op Day 5

For the first time ever I am happy to say that I'm glad the weekend is over. I am now only 2.5 days away from seeing my surgeon for my first follow-up. At best I'll be out of these wires and into rubber bands that won't tear up in the insides of my lips and that I can remove to eat (i.e. drink). At worst I will be kept in the wires but at least I'd get a timeline and have a new date to look forward to. I'm REALLY hoping to be out of these wires for so many reasons but mainly because I have already lost 9 pounds. Losing weight at this point will only prolong and worsen my recovery. My husband went out and bought weight gaining powder so I started on that today. Hopefully it gets the job done. My awesome lil' sissy is going to bring me some homemade soup puree tomorrow and my son's Nina offered to cook for my husband and son. So much generosity. That's another bright side of this poopy surgery, you get to see love pouring out of the special people in your life. How can you not be grateful? I hope I can learn to see life in a totally different way through this recovery. I have always tended to be on the negative/pessimistic side and I'm so tired of living that way. People have gone through soooooooo much worse things (and surgeries) than I am right now so even at this point in my life, I shouldn't complain. (I'm trying lol). I realize that I was pretty ignorant of what the recovery process involved and how long it takes and I can only blame myself for that. I think learning about the extent of it after my surgery has been a major part of my misery these past few days. But I can do this. One day at a time. My new goal is to have eyes that are open to see the love and blessings in my life no matter what my circumstances are. Some of the things I saw today: my son bringing me two handfuls of flowers from his walk, my son and husband building a popsicle stick birdhouse, kisses from my mother, loving messages from friends and family, slightly less swelling in my cheeks, love and compliments (yea even now!) from my husband and son etc etc etc... 

 The awesome view from my healing chair

Clinging to Positivity Post-Op Day 4

It seems that every day presents a new challenge to my positive attitude. Today I woke up in so much pain, sweaty and STILL just as swollen as yesterday. It is so discouraging to be so miserable 24/7 and not see or feel some sort of improvement.  To top it all off, I got a cold sore. Yes, a cold sore. Because not eating or talking, bone pain, and the inability to be a mother to my son and a wife to my husband is not enough misery and frustration. Needless to say I was overwhelmed and I just felt done with all this. But my husband and my mom helped me remember that this is all temporary and that I can do this. I can honestly say at this point that if I had known what recovery is like (and how LONG it is!) I would not have gone through with this surgery. Maybe I'll change my mind but, that's how I feel today. My husband was reading through my post-op paperwork and the recovery is going to be so slow. I'm trying to focus on getting through it one day at a time, but when all you can do is sit around the day kinda drags. Annnnyway, I was able to find one silver lining: my lips are so swollen that the bottom one hangs over and kinda hides my cold sore. One less ugly thing to see in the mirror. Yay! Small victory. The only time I can say I feel comfortable is when I have my face wrapped in ice. And the vicodin helps me sleep as well. When it comes to oral hygiene, I can't say I've found a bright side. My tongue, trapped behind my teeth, literally feels furry. GROSS. I can't believe I ever complained that there was too much stuff in my mouth before this surgery. In fact, I complained about so many stupid things. The ability to communicate and eat are so basic that I totally took them for granted. Bummer. I hope that's something positive that I can take from this experience. I hope I learn gratitude and patience. God knows I could stand to improve in both of those areas. My sweet son brought me some beautiful flowers that he picked while walking with my mom and that was a bright spot in my day. My husband also quoted our vows to me when I apologized for being a drag (on paper of course) saying "in sickness and in health remember?", and that made me feel grateful as well. I gotta keep reminding myself that I CAN do this. I have no choice anyway, I might as well do it as cheerfully as possible. God help me. Hope tomorrow morning I find reduced swelling. Fingers crossed! G'night!

Double Jaw Surgery Post-Op, Day 3

Today has started out much better than expected. I didn't wake up struggling to breathe which was a huge relief. And pain meds are my new best friend. 

I can't believe how much they send you home with. It's insane and the antibiotics taste the way urine smells....yea I know. I'm eating a little better (well, sucking through a syringe) so I feel a little stronger. I'm super lucky to be surrounded with positive people. It helps tremendously, cause there were moments when I thought WHY did I do this!? The moments of panic over being wired shut have also subsided. Phew. Now if I could only brush my tongue....

My amazing friend Lynette also sent me these gorgeous flowers today which was a huge pick me up. 

God knows what we need and when we need it. :-) I'm really looking forward to my mom coming for the weekend too so my poor hubby can get a bit of a break. I'm not fully recovered yet but today I can at least say I feel like I'm on my way for the first time. I still think I look hideous but the hubs says he sees improvement. HAHA! I'll take it. The feeling of your lips being pulled apart does not make you feel attractive. All in all though, the hardest part of this is the inability to hold, hug & kiss my son. I'm in the same room with him but I feel so distant. My poor little bug. If the swelling goes down tomorrow, to where I look a little more human, I'll post a photo. 

Post Op Update

I had decided to start my multi-topic blog before my surgery but since I was quite an anxious mess I am doing it now, 2 days post-op.  I had surgery on Tuesday March 17th at 7:30am and I think it was about an 8 hour surgery. I heard Rihanna blasting on the radio as I went under the anesthesia which was interesting since my surgeon is an older white male. Haha! When I woke up I felt very positive and still had enough happy juice to be blissfully ignorant of all my post-op symptoms. The most shocking thing was seeing how incredibly swollen my face was! I looked like a Who from Whoville according to my husband. I guess that's better than the monkey I thought I saw looking back at me. The pain isn't so bad, but the congestion and swelling are terribly annoying. Not to mention all the liquid medicines I have to take and the water/supplements. I am really hoping that I will only be wired shut for one week. I know I'll have to wear a splint for three weeks but I'm hoping that doesn't mean I'll be wired during that time too. If anyone had any experience with that, please share. I think my symptoms are more intense because I had a double jaw surgery. So I can't shower, can't blow my nose or wash my face. Which stinks. I had been waiting for this surgery for most of my life so I'm really glad it's done but at the same time I have moments (like when I can't breathe or my phlegm is so thick that it's hard to swallow) that I wish I hadn't done it. I'm sure when I see the end result I won't have regrets. It's just tough to be struggling so much while looking worse than ever. I'm so thankful for my husband, my family and my friends. They send supportive messages and encourage me. My husband has not complained once, even though he has been running around non-stop. He amazes me. I'm so grateful and I feel super blessed. I hope this blog helps others who are on the jaw surgery journey as I have been helped by several others' blogs. Here's a picture of me the day before surgery, about to go on my last run for 3 months! :-( That will be another challenge, giving up my workouts for quite awhile. The other photo of me is fresh out of the OR, note the wonderful bruise on my forehead. Nice. Please excuse any typos/bad grammar, I'm a bit groggy. Have a great day!