Anything is Possible - 4 Months Post Op!

It's here! My day of freedom from restrictions in eating and sleeping and working out. Woohoo! I'm celebrating by leaving work early and going to the gym to work on my legs and glutes. Seeing as it's a Friday, I thought it was fitting. Hopefully it's empty. I can't wait to sleep on my side tonight, and to eat a chicken burger (still gotta be healthy)! I go see the orthodontist next week and hopefully get to remove my splint! It'll still be replaced with an arch wire but that's better than this lunky plastic thing that gets nasty and traps food. Ugh.
I'm also going to be attending a class to learn more about pre-diabetes and what can be done about to reverse it. It's free at Kaiser and I'm taking advantage. I also made an appointment with a nutritionist to learn about how I can build muscle/healthy weight and get rid of the pre-diabetes diagnosis all with my diet. I'm excited about that one. That's after Cuba which is happening in less than 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are all beyond excited. Including BB who says, "I going to CUUUBA and there's kids there!" By kids he means his cousins which I told him we will be staying with. That should be the highlight of the trip for him.
I've been doing this 30 day yoga challenge done by Liel Cheri (Yoga for Good Life on YouTube and @yogawithlielcheri on Instagram) and it has been really great for me. I feel stronger both physically and emotionally. Yes emotionally, since yoga forces you to be in the moment and enjoy it rather than trying to get 10 steps ahead and attempting control on life. I fell in love with yoga back in 2002 when I thought it would be an easy way to get out of the gym portion of my GE requirements in community college. Luckily I got an amazing instructor who I stuck with after that for 2 years or so, twice a week. Anyway, I feel calmer and have been able to focus my energies on seeing God's love and goodness and faithfulness in all areas of my life and I'm just in awe. It really makes me feel like anything is possible and my dreams can become reality and best of all, that I can relax and enjoy life while God handles the details.


Boo I'm totally posting this late (I wrote the above portion on Friday, today is Monday) Blogging fail....

I've Abandoned My Post...

It's been so long since I updated this blog. But I sometimes feel like I'm talking to myself here anyway so I guess no one missed it!
I hit and passed the 3 month post op mark and I was so excited then but NOW, on Friday, I will be getting to the 4 month point which means......(prepare yourselves!): I can jump! I can eat crunchy chewy things! I can run! I can sleep on my side (and on my HH!) And best of all I can lift heavy weights! YAY! It's kinda weird that my recovery is technically still not over but I look forward to the second half of this journey now. Well not officially but close enough! I can see what the surgeon means about slight changes in your face due to your bones settling. I felt beautiful the other day for the first time in a LOOOOOONG time. It was nice.
So now, I am looking into starting a high protein, macro conscious diet and starting to lift some heavy crap! Woo! My HH and I will both be starting school next month and quitting our respective gyms. We will be making our garage apartment into a home gym! I'm beyond excited. No excuses or restrictions to exercise because of weather or time etc. I even plan on making myself a little yoga/meditation spot and taking our little TV in there with my Apple TV so I can look at workout/yoga videos. I feel kinda fancy haha.
So we leave to Cuba in 2 weeks!!!! I still can't believe I will be going home to see where my family comes from! Next, Spain...someday. But yay! Cuba!  I will eat to my heart's content and sweat all the fat out and then come home and really get down to business. I've already started adding a fourth protein heavy meal into my day and on Sunday I did meal prep. This included a homemade protein bar and two breakfast options. Bam! I WILL keep this up! I will, I will! (sorry, motivating myself there)
My BB is getting SOOOO big and he is so smart! He amazes me everyday and he loves running and doing yoga with me! Score! I will be updating again more often. Even if no one out there cares, it's therapeutic. Now how other amazing bloggers find time to take and upload pictures everyday I would love to know. Especially since most of them are moms with more than one kid :-/

It's A Beautiful Life

It's been awhile! I actually considered abandoning this blog but I think I'll keep it up for awhile and give it a chance. I do enjoy it when I get around to it.

I don't know how many of you follow fitness/yoga/healthy eating blogs or instagram users but I'm a little obsessed with it. I actually started a "fitness" instagram that's anonymous (kinda like this blog) and I've recieved so much support and encouragement. That's what I love about the fitness community! Anyway, I've been doing yoga, inconsistently, for about 12 years. I chose it while at community college because I thought it would be an easy way to get my gym credits but I fell in love with it after the first class. Up until that point I would only workout once in a blue moon because my motivations were superficial. Once I realized how calming and empowering exercise was, I stuck to it and it became an integral part of my lifestyle. I started working out at the gym at my school as well and from then on, (for the next 10 years) I was a gym rat. Untilllll I got pregnant. Haha! I was so afraid to hurt the baby and I had no idea how to modify my lifting routine. I remember once while running a trail by my house that I did almost everyday, I swore I could feel the baby bouncing...I was neurotic. My doctor even told me to continue but I was a wienie. Needless to say, I lost any muscle I had and in the subsequent two years of being a mother, I couldn't figure out how to reintegrate a consistent exercise routine into my life. I never wanted to make my son come second to my needs. BUT, it's all about balance and I'm realizing how important it is to make time for YOU! Now, here I am recovering from this double jaw surgery (it'll be 3 months post op tomorrow!) and I'm skinnier than ever. But I'm also extremely motivated and I've actually done strength work or yoga or hiked everyday for the past couple weeks.

Back to what originally inspired me to start this blog post (I ramble sometimes, I'm Cuban, so...yea). I follow Yoga_Girl on instagram and she's SO inspiring! I just today realized she also has a YouTube channel (duh) and a blog and I watched a video where she talks about her life before yoga/meditation and how she's learned to quiet negative thoughts and wow, I wish I could start doing yoga right here in the office! I had wanted to start moving past the typical yoga classes at the gym to progress my practice right before I got pregnant, but since yoga studios are ridiculously overpriced, I'm gonna do it at home. I'll document as much as possible (I'm not that good at this blogging/instagram thing yet!).  The one thing she said that struck me the most was that she started to claim freedom from her destructive liftstyle when she realized she wasn't a victim of anything. That really hit home for me! I've made myself a victim of so much over the course of my life and it's such a lie and a waste of time. Everything in this world wants to tell us that we are not good enough, we don't have enough, we've been wronged, it's someone else's fault, but Jesus came to set us free from all that nonsense. We are at the mercy of no one. We can ALWAYS control our reactions and our perspectives even though sometimes it doesn't feel like we can. Emotions come and go, they're fickle.  We can't make decisions or base the way we see the world on them. Life is beautiful (even when you're going through something!) when you start to learn to live in the moment.  Our thoughts and responsibilities can crowd out our peace, but if we keep God as our focus and learn to test all our thoughts against His truth, we can conquer all the distractions.

Love, Love, Love...

God never ceases to amaze me! Always when I need it most and deserve it the least. I was walking during my lunch break with my HH (who also amazes me with his love) and after he returned to work I decided to walk a little bit more and pray. It was such a nice day. I was pretty much thanking God for everything He does for me, trying to get my thoughts aligned with the joy that anyone who is loved by God should ALWAYS have. As I walk back into the building I'm approached by the "grandpa" of our department who always cheerfully greets me and encourages me throughout my recovery with quick "you'll be great in no time" shoutouts. So he comes over and tells me that I'm looking much better etc etc, and then suddenly he places his hand on my shoulder and says, "God really loves you". And I replied that yes, I knew that He does love me very much. He was happy about that and asked me if I knew the Lord and I said yes. Then he just repeated that God loves me and how great it was that I knew it. Seriously God!? Thank you! So cool. It was like an answer to the prayers I had just been saying to myself. What an awesome God.

On the recovery front, I'm still eagerly awaiting to be fully recovered, to be able to eat whatever I want and have no physical restrictions. But I know it will be awhile. I did start lifting weights again (while wearing my hubby's weight vest!), but at home with HH not at the gym. Might as well start somewhere. I was so sore after my first session and it felt SO GOOD! Last night I did abs and some pushups and dips and tonight I plan on attacking the glutes and legs again. I'm able to eat enough things that I can keep up with the nutritional aspect of it and I can't lift heavy enough to grit my teeth anyway so I'm not in danger there. It feels really good to get back to a part of my life that I value so much. I gotta remember to take my measurements so that I can track my progress.

I also applied to FINALLY return to school and finish my bachelors AND I start a new job soon with the department of mental health with lots of room for growth and opportunities to learn/network. My HH got accepted into a great master's program and is excited about starting that as well. New beginnings, changes and new challenges (opportunities for growth!) are coming our way. I used to always fear change but now I catch myself and remember that God can bring me through anything and He's on my side and GREAT things can come from change! I'm starting to dream bigger than I ever let myself before. Getting a PhD in the future? Why not? Becoming a competitor in fitness competitions? A little out there haha, but...it's not impossible!

Choose joy everyday! This coming from a girl who struggles with remembering that but I hope I can encourage others the way so many people encourage me, through instagram accounts, in books, friends, and the Bible. If we make God bigger in our minds than the problems we face or circumstances we are in and especially bigger than our emotions, we can choose joy ALL the time. XOXO

Accepted

I've gone on six job interviews in a week. Three of them were in one day. At each interview I've tried to sell myself while simultaneously trying to figure out if I would accept a position were it to be offered. It's taxing for sure. Even though I recognize that I am extremely fortunate and I will continue to do my best at my future interviews, I started to feel a little tired of being evaluated by a complete stranger based on what a paper says about me and my nervous answers to their general questions. There's something so humbling about trying to meet the unknown needs and expectations of someone who has the power to affect your life. You realize that you can't really know what they are specifically looking for and you can only hope that you fit the bill in order to be considered for the job.

On that note, my HH had  anxiously been awaiting word from a masters program that he had applied to a few months back. He was accepted! He was beyond excited and so was I. It will be a new chapter not just for him, but for our whole family and while I admit I am a little apprehensive about how all the logistics of raising a son and running a home will balance out with his new schedule, I am excited about how God will grow us through the challenge. There was a lot of pride and emotion in my husband's eyes as he realized he had reached this goal and he wanted to share it with everyone.

It's no wonder to me, when I think about our current circumstances, why it is so difficult for us (as people in general) to accept God's merciful and complete love without trying to earn it. Everything that the Bible teaches contradicts the ways of the world for sure, and this is no exception. Jesus says, I took the blame and punishment for you to enter into God's family, it's been done for you. But we want to earn this love and acceptance. We want to be considered "worthy" of it by doing enough, being enough etc etc etc. We spend our whole lives here on Earth earning degrees that say we are "smart", job titles that say we are "important", and reaching benchmarks to prove we are enough. The world drills this manner of thinking into our minds. Even in elementary school, we are earning grades, trying to reach goals set for us, meet the expectations of the adults in our lives and behave appropriately. All to be accepted. All to be enough. But God doesn't want us to approach Him with this mindset. He is revolutionary in the way He loves us. It is beyond our human understanding. Only He can reveal the depths of His love to us but we have to seek it! I want to say that I'm great at this but that's just our habit isn't it? I'm not, but I want to want to seek Him more everyday. And that's a start! I know He will change my desires and repriortize my life as long as I do my best. He does what we can't do when we are doing what we can do. Sometimes all we can do seems like nothing, but God looks at the heart and any effort is enough for Him as long as it's genuine. Thank God! Haha!

My hope as a mother is to ensure that I make my BB feel that he is accepted just as he is. I cringe whenever I see an expression on his face that looks anything remotely like shame. I know to some extent this can be a good thing because this is how we learn what's acceptable behavior and what isn't but I never want to make him feel ashamed of who he is just because I'm having a bad day or something. I worry too much!

Things Not To Do When You're Getting Over A Cold....

( Just an FYI, the blog entry I'm publishing today was written on Friday, for some reason I forgot to click Post. )

If you've had a fever and a cold for the past few days, you probably shouldn't take your son for a walk on a freezing cold day.  You should also make sure that you check the weather report if it rained heavily the night before. You shouldn't wear simple flats without socks and get your feet soaked when you're walking home...in the rain. It's important that you don't leave the house without an umbrella and if you happen to be underweight because you're recovering from surgery, don't leave home to walk two miles without packing a snack. Just an FYI for anyone who happens to find themselves in this situation, as this dodo bird did this morning. Luckily, while I do not prepare well for myself, I make sure that BB has everything he needs. So when this mama got home wet and cold, he was warm, dry, full, and fast asleep. My reward? Some potato cheese soup, a slice of chocolate meringue pie and a cup of decaf and some TV time.

I'm having one of those days (should be everyday!) where I am enjoying so many of the seemingly tiny aspects of life in a significant way. (I give God all the "credit" for this) I have this appreciation for everything and so much hope for the future and I'm look forward to every little thing with excitement. I love it. When I was younger I was like this almost all the time. I'm determined not to let "aging" have any negative effects on me. To the best of my ability. I know when we get busy and loaded down with more responsibilities than I think humans were ever intended to have, we lose appreciation for the beautiful things we encounter daily. Honestly, I enjoy and look forward to going to the grocery store. But on days when I am overwhelmed and I allow my attitude to get cloudy, it becomes another task on my long to-do list. The one thing that is hardest for me to "be ok" with is a messy house. It is VERY difficult for me to feel cozy, comfortable and relaxed in a messy or dirty house. My sisters have always made fun of me (I was Monica from friends to them lol) about how meticulous I am with where I place things, how I decorate etc. BUT living with HH (sorry babe I love ya anyway) has changed all that. Men don't care! I let the messiness go everyday because I HAVE to but in my own house, I am never really comfortable. I want to have a beautiful home! I always have! But I don't even try anymore. Wahhhhhh. I struggle (but I'm seriously working on this) with balancing/organizing all the things I want and need to do on a daily basis: work, be a mother, be a wife, cook fun & delicious meals, clean and beautify my house, do regular facials/threading sessions/pedicures/massages/haircuts (HA! these are last on my list and never really ever get done), read, pray, meditate, workout, relax and help someone. HOW THE HECK DO YOU SQUEEZE ALL THIS INTO EVEN ONE MONTH!?
Sigh....tips are welcomed!

Sweet Treats!

My plans once I recover enough to be able to eat normally and exercise without restrictions is to rebuild the muscle I once had and hopefully even more. (HH and I also plan to run the Long Beach Half Marathon in October! My second time, his first) I know it will take time and discipline but I'm excited about those new challenges. One beneficial thing that has come as a result of my recovery process that will aid me in this endeavor is the realization that food is fuel. I've heard this statement before of course, and I understand it, but I have never been forced to really see food in this way. I eat what I like, in moderation of course but I've always enjoyed eating as a pastime activity not just as a means to an end. But, I get it now! It just shows me that I CAN have willpower and that food can help you reach your goals while you enjoy it. It should never become a crutch. Especially considering that I have been told I have pre-diabetes. No bueno... On that note, yesterday was Cinco De Mayo and I came into work with plans to have oatmeal and two pieces of toast (dipped into decaf coffee of course). Buuuuut there were boxes and boxes of pan dulce and donuts and cake....UGH. Once I start working out, I will resist these things and stick to the plan....most of the time!

I have officially been given the ok to exercise and life weights with a couple restrictions: no clenching of teeth and no bouncing, jarring activities (i.e. running). I am thinking that I should start waking up early again and either going to the gym that I've been paying for or starting at home with basic moves and no weights. The only difficulty is that I am still underweight. So, add exercise for my sanity and emotional well-being despite not "needing"it (in terms of weight loss) or continue this post-op sedentary lifestyle that is a drag on my sense of self? Feel free to chime in peeps. I can't decide.

On the post-op front, my surgeon and ortho are both happy with the progress and I am now seeing them less frequently. Eating is still not "normal" because chewing feels weird when you can't really feel your teeth and pasta is pretty much the only thing I can chew. But I doing all my new facial/jaw exercises and I see improvement. Now that I can feel the gums on my upper jaw a bit better, I can feel that the splint really digs in and is a little irritating and I have a lisp because of it as well. Nothing new since I used to wear a bite plate but I have several job interviews this month and I hope I won't come off badly because of it. My interview today is all the way in West L.A. and although the location is NOT ideal, it would be a little exciting because the area looks cool. Getting there is the problem. BUT it's with DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) and it would be amazing to get my foot in the door there. Wish me luck!

On the mom/wife front...it is SO important to get some "me time" in on a daily basis. At least for me. I will go days without making time for it and then I end up feeling so overwhelmed that I want to blame someone for my frustrations. But really, it's me that is to blame. I put too many expectations on myself and neglect my own needs and then I fail at being the kind of mother and wife that I aspire to be. I'm trying to figure out how I can start my day with prayer/meditation/Bible time AND working out. Ideally I would like to eat some breakfast before I have to start rushing too and now you see my tendency to start making a simple solutions impossible. If I wake up at 4am....

From Glory to Glory ... Little by Little.

Sometimes we feel like we're stuck. It seems we lack motivation or progress and as a result, hope can slowly fade. I've felt that way not only during this recovery, but in life in general during different seasons. But when you get your spark back, when you realize everything is temporary and that God is the One who is in control of your progress, it's as if spring has sprung again. "And all of us, as with unveiled face, because we continued to behold in the Word of God as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another..." - 2 Corinthians 3:18 (AMP).  Sometimes it's just a simple little thing that reminds you, snaps you out of your funk and says "hey! you are ok". Today for me, it was a couple co workers mentioning that I look much healthier, better, less swollen today. Ironically I woke up feeling as if my progress had not just stalled but that I had actually gotten worse. My upper lip felt stiffer and more swollen and it got me worried and wondering. I started losing my focus on Him and all that I have to look forward to. This recovery is a tiny little nothing in comparison to the recovery that He is doing in my spirit, mind and heart. This is a blip on the radar and He is teaching me to look beyond the mirror for my beauty, beyond the now for my joy and beyond myself for fulfillment. What an awesome thing to believe, to know, that I am being changed into His image despite my failures, shortcomings and weaknesses. To know that I don't have to depend on my earthly accomplishments or limited strength for my worth or ability or potential. He does it all and He is faithful to finish what He starts. It just takes time, and His concept of time is nothing like ours.

 

Just keep looking up!



This weekend, my BB was talking about wanting a little brother (this idea was put in his head by HH) and I asked him where I should get him from and he said, "the dollar store"! Hahahaha. Priceless humor, and I got it on video. Well the second time he said it...as I prompted him. It was too funny not to document! He is growing up so fast and he teaches me how to be a better person, mom and woman. Everytime we pass a church he says "mama that a church!...we go to church on Sundays". Love love. Once while we were out front playing, before my surgery, the wind was blowing through the many trees on our little street and he says "God made the wind! It sounds like music!". These are the moments to live for people.

It's Friiiiiiday!!!

I can't believe the whole month of April, the month after my surgery, is almost over! Crazy! And I made it through my first week at work. It wasn't too bad! I got a smoothie delivered to me this morning by my buddy so that was super nice. The ones I made last night from The Yummy Life blog were delicious! And very filling. You should try them!
I went to another post-op appointment today and my surgeon seemed to stare at my teeth for a long time. Not sure if that's good or bad but he pretty much just reiterated that he is eager for the ortho to get some cross elastics (more rubber bands) in the back of my mouth. He was also very interested in the book that I was reading and asked to read a page, after which he said, "I should get this for my wife". That may be a bit offensive towards her since the book is entitled The Everything Parent's Guide to Emotional Intelligence in Children. Haha!
I'm so eager to get to the point where I am not banded shut all day anymore! I've accepted that rubber bands will be in my life for awhile because I know now that they will be used to fix the positioning of some back teeth, but the the bands in front that hold my mouth shut...enough already! I also can't wait for the orthodontist to start tweaking my teeth. I think my mouth can't handle it yet but mentally, I'm so ready!
On my way to pick up BB I was listening to Air1 and heard the quote of my life..."You can't have faith and control at the same time" (- Jim Reeves). This is TRUTH people and I need to get this through my head. It may become my new mantra every morning. The rest of my drive home with BB was not pleasant unfortunately. It involved another 30 minute tantrum. Again, he was tired (he had woken up when my mother in law placed him in the car seat and had been sleeping wayyyy too long) and his teeth were hurting. Not fun. BUT I used it as an opportunity to practice self-control and patience. I tried to help him identify his feelings and let him know that I understood his frustration but it was tough to listen to him scream like that while driving in street traffic after a loooong day. It also stresses me out (and breaks my heart) for him to be so upset. I hope the neighbors don't start wondering why my child seems to hate coming home LOL! By the time I got him in the actual house my nerves were so shot that I was trembling and near tears. Yes really. So....it was a beautiful thing to find a gift from a friend in my mailbox! It's a devotional that I am super excited about!! I just read the introduction before writing this post and no lie, I am super inspired and excited to get started! The book is also incredibly adorable which just makes it more fun. To reward myself for keeping a cool head during my BB's award winning tantrum, (and let's get real, to comfort myself with food) I went out and got a huge slice of tres leches cake with a ridiculously tall layer of chocolate icing and some chocolate ice cream. I ate almost all of it and I make no apologies.

My awesome new book!

Perception is Everything...

Another gloomy day in California. But still beautiful! You can find the beauty in these days because they're so rare you appreciate them rather than wish them away. I just wish I could be cozy at home with a movie and a hot chocolate. Ok, it's not THAT cold, but all the same it'd be nice.

I was stopped by a girl here at work who I don't really talk to when we were both in the bathroom. She asked about the surgery and recovery and I touched vaguely on different aspects of it. Then she suddenly asked me, "do you need a hug?". Unexpected but, why not! Lol. A hug is never a bad thing, I just wonder what made her say that. Another lady who returned today for the first time this week said that my face and skin are significantly younger looking! Huh!? Ok though, I'll take it. It is very interesting how differently people can see the same thing (in this case, my face! lol) It reminds me of how when you have a child, some people see you in them, yet another person can only see the other parent. I actually feel less swollen today. I even think I LOOK less swollen! Yet it's the one day that no one has told me that it's gone down. Life is funny that way.
While taking a walk this weekend through my hilly neighborhood, I thought about all the times I've run those streets and how much I tend to look forward to the descent as I'm running up hills. As a matter of fact, looking foward to running downhill is what motivates me to run uphill faster, which inevitably makes me enjoy it more. Life can be like that. My recovery is the hill I'm currently climbing and I can scale it faster and enjoy the journey if I keep my mind focused on how great the "downhill" will be. This is not forever, which means eating ice cream every night will eventually become a thing of the past. So I might as well enjoy it now!

Yesterday when I got home, my BB woke up as we pulled into the driveway. He had spent the day with his cousins, thus avoiding his nap. He then began to literally just scream and cry that he wanted "to go that way" in the car. (just a random direction). When he is tired and his teeth hurt, he becomes so irrational and uncontrollable. I can relate. It was tough because I had just driven for an hour to get home, I was tired and I couldn't just pick him up at the risk of him flailing and hitting me in the face. So I sat in the back seat with him and prayed to myself for a minute (I needed Him to help me keep it under control!) and then tried to calm him. It took about 15 minutes but I was finally able to bring him inside. He just needed a hug...and some oragel. How do you all handle your two year old's tantrums? Just curious...:)

On a totally random side note: Since I can only drink my food these days, I was looking for smoothie recipes that include oatmeal (I've made these before and they're so good!). I found this great link and wanted to share with you all. This blogger's smoothies also include chia seeds and she found a way to include them  without having them turn into a thick jelly (which they do when they absorb liquid, try chia pudding!). The best part is that you make them ahead to allow the chia to do it's thing and they won't get runny since they don't have ice. Here's the link: www.theyummylife.com/Oatmeal_Smoothies I'm going to make some tonight for my breakfast tomorrow. Yay! I love shortcuts like that!

Keep the Encouragement Coming!

A little note from a co-worker encouraging me to count my blessings, another stopping by my desk to offer more encouraging words and a visit to my orthodontist resulting in praise and excitement about the progress of my bite and teeth. I love it! Hahaha, I could get used to this! It got my mind and attitude going in the right direction. It prepared me for the incredibly ignorant comment another employee came and made later in the day. She asked me where I'd been, pointed out that I'd lost weight and then asked...so is that why you did it? Yes. Yes moron, I had a double jaw surgery so that I could lose weight, because I was SO huge before that I needed to take drastic measures. Sheesh. Undeterred by my "no!" she then asked what I'm eating to stay so thin....all I could do was take a deep breath people. Later in the day I got about 4 "you look weird"s from my husband's nieces when I went to pick up my son. That was fun. Honestly though, it didn't get my attitude down since I had received so many positive vibes this morning. Thank God!

It was a little gloomy and cold today so I enjoyed staying at my desk as much as possible, reading my ebooks every chance I get. Coziness! I also had some decaf with cookies dropped into it (to soften them) and it filled me up for so long! I'll be looking forward to doing that everyday now! Yummy and filling.

I may finally post a photo of my slightly swollen face. Now that I know it's not forever, it doesn't feel as scary. Lame, but true. Maybe I'll post a timeline of my swelling so you can all enjoy the "beauty" of progress! Haha. g'night!

Little Victories

I'm blogging from my desk at work! This is my second day back and the first was a success. It went much better than I expected. Since everyone in my area knew about my surgery and were warned ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to really speak, it went smoothly. I got a lot of "welcome back" and "your face shape looks different" which was nice and then most people pretty much let me be. When walking in the hallway to go to the bathroom and stuff, I got a few double takes. That's a little hard cause it makes you feel like a freak haha but what I can do but keep walking? I can't wear a sign that says, "I had double jaw surgery". Anyway, they're allowing me to just focus on tasks other than the new system, which is nice because the new system is very involved and time consuming. It would compete with the time that it takes for me to take my rubber bands on/off, brush my teeth, sneak off to do my mouth exercises and eat (very slowly). Phew. I decided against bringing my Magic Bullet to work because it would be too much to clean and do and pack everyday. But I really need to get more creative about what I can eat. It's getting boring. Although the addition of soggy pancakes is awesome! I cannot wait until the surgeon gives me the ok for soft chewing. Grilled cheese here I come!

I finished the book I had mentioned in a previous post. It was a great thought provoking read. Choosing To SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman is about her life and faith after the tragic loss of her daughter. I loved how honest she was about her thoughts and feelings while struggling to continue trusting in God and believing that His plans are perfect. You can relate to her frustrations regardless of what you have gone through or are struggling with. There are so many awesome tidbits of encouragment and wisdom. At the point in the book where she describes so vivdly and openly the death of her daughter (at the hands of her son, a complete accident), I was completely choked up and unable to keep myself from crying. It's unbelievable what people go through and it's equally amazing how God can be our everything, if we let Him. I may buy the book since I earmarked so many pages.

It's been 34 days since my surgery. Wow. I've made a point to think about the areas in which I have made any progress, at the urging of HH, so here goes: I can now purse my lips enough to blow on my BB's food to cool it off, I can smile much bigger (although the top lip doesn't curl up...yet), my gums are looking better everyday and I may not need the gum graft surgery (yay!), it's much easier to talk even when wearing my rubber bands (since there's only 3 vs 6 and they aren't as tight), and I'm sleeping in my own bed again! I'm still keeping my head elevated though until ALL of this swelling is gone. I don't want to do anything that will slow that excruciatingly slow process down. Whenever I'm alone in the car I do ridiculously exaggerated kissing/smiling movements to get that upper lip area to wake the heck up and get flexible again (and hopefully go down in swelling). I don't know what else I can possibly do but I'm back to a place where if the swelling is going down everyday, I can't detect it. It makes me have to work harder at not getting discouraged. It's one of the unpredictable parts of this recovery. Back to work I go on this beautiful California day!

Victory!!!

I went to see my surgeon again this morning and he felt that my palate is safe with the appliance I have in as long as it stays in contact with my back molars. Dr B thinks he may have contracted my jaw a bit immediately after surgery when he was placing appliances in there. The tightness of the tissue makes it want to contract. But I won't need another surgery so praise God! We had a great little chat where I expressed to him how life-changing it is to have this surgery. I'm really starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and although I'm still too swollen to see the final result and not recovered enough to chew, I feel brand new. He was surprisingly touched. I guess no one has ever told him that before. He mentioned that he understands that people see him as the mechanic of their smiles and I told him that I totally disagreed. At least in my case. I am so grateful for his abilities and skills, his kindness and his unwavering/complete dedication to the perfection of my jaw/face. I feel so indebted to him. I told him how self-concious it has made me all my life, even when I wasn't consciously thinking about it. To hear almost all your life that your smile and jaw are flawed and need surgery makes you feel broken. Like you're not normal. I've carried that with me for years. As I got older, it had less of an effect on me for sure, but I can't describe the load that I feel has been lifted. Not to mention the excitement about being able to eat correctly! Apparently, having an asymmetrical jaw has a profound psychological effect on people and the personality traits among those who have this are similar. Amazing.
He asked me to write a review on a website that others have mentioned him on. He said that I am very articulate and have a way with words that carries with it an authenticity and he felt that others who need this surgery would be encouraged by my experience. It's something that I can do for him so I definitely will. I was most excited to hear him say that I should only have braces on for no more than 8 months! Normally it's about 6 but with the need to pull my back teeth out a bit, it may take longer. That's still such amazing news! It's a goal to look forward to. So by the end of 2015, I should be turning a huge corner in this journey for a straight smile! Oh, he also mentioned that he spent a long time on my cheekbones during the surgery, making sure they were straight! First of all, crazy! Secondly, no wonder I am so swollen there! Haha! He said my face is thin so everything really had to be as straight as possible because it would show. In order to avoid having to do surgery on my chin as well, he had told me that my chin would be about 1-2 mm off but that the average person wouldn't notice. Who cares!? I'm totally fine with that. And I can't see it haha. My whole face was apparently asymmetrical and it was something I was born with.  It's an otherwise harmless, non-genetic issue. It affects people at random. My jaw bone on the right was too long and it just kept growing, especially during my developing years. Others have it much worse, so I'm thankful. After my visit I came home, had some pureed refried beans with cheese (yea I know lol) and then picked up my baby early. I took him to the park and we had a picnic, went for a short walk around the small waterfalls they have and then played a bit on the playground. The best part of it all though was just being able to have great conversation with him. Even with the rubber bands (yup still banded shut and still 24/7 but much looser bands) I can talk now and he was so excited that he said "you talking to me mama!?" Such a cutie.

I love trees and this one is awesome.

My tiny little bear 

I joined a website called bloggingforbooks.com and I'm super excited about it! They send you books (either digitally or print), you read it and then write a review on your blog. I love reading so I can't wait to get my first one. They even send cookbooks! Yay! I'll probably post about another book I've been reading once I'm done. It's pretty amazing. Have a great weekend!

Do Your Circumstances Determine Your Mood?

So yesterday was my 4 week appointment with the surgeon followed by my first post-op appointment with my orthodontist. The appointment with my surgeon Dr. B was full of excitement because he removed my splint! It smelled AWFUL but I was prepared because I had read about that in several blogs. I was able to brush my upper teeth completely and it was so satisfying. So as I was getting ready to leave, my surgeon informed me that he wanted me to see my orthodontist once a week (sheesh) and that he wanted me to come back to see him on Friday (tomorrow). He's very concerned with keeping track of my upper palate, to ensure that it doesn't start to collapse or close back up. This would require another surgery which would be the worst thing ever. The orthodontist was to replace my splint with an appliance (kinda like a retainer) that would support the palate expansion and keep things kosher. Anyway, the last thing he says is, "just as quickly as things can progress, they can go south too". Now, why would you say that?! I know, I know, it's his duty to inform me but what a buzz kill. So I head to the orthodontist (oh just to make things more fun, my nap despising toddler was hysterically fighting his nap for about....oh, 45 minutes) and my appliance didn't fit. It didn't fit! So my ortho, Dr. S, starts to say that I must have had my palate already collapse. So I'm trying to figure it all out in my head, how is it possible for it to collapse when I have literally had the splint wired to my upper jaw? How does my splint still fit when if it collapsed? I started thinking about that pain my tongue and wondering if there was any correlation. Dr S then mentions that maybe the model that was used to make my appliance was off. Anyway, he takes my splint and sands it down to about a fourth of it's size, talks to the surgeon who he had paged and decides that there is no other choice but to stick the altered splint back in to hold the palate open until they can figure something else out. There I am trying not to panic, what if this splint (that after being sanded is not being held on by anything and falls out) doesn't hold my palate open? Did I or did I not have some collapse? What is going on!? Just to add a little more fun to the mix, my ortho was pushing SO hard on my upper mouth (I don't know why) that my entire body would cringe into a ball, my back would arch, and whimpers would come involuntarily out of my mouth. Awful. He did that about, 3-4 times. Nice. So, they can't make another model of my mouth to use to make another appliance because my jaw doesn't open enough to be able to insert the model tray. My mind was reeling, I was trying to figure everything out talking it through with my husband. But I can't figure this out, I don't know why it hurt when the ortho pushed, I don't know why it hurts when I swallow sometimes, I don't know if my palate collapsed and I don't know what will happen. But what I DO know is that God is still in control. Whatever He puts in my path to do, He will enable me to do. He CAN heal me and keep my palate where it needs to be against any and all odds, and His plans are perfect. So, I can still be happy and I can still have peace. I just need to keep my thoughts positive, pray and believe. And that's where I'm at.

Now if anyone has solutions for teaching a toddler to fall asleep alone when he never in his life has done so, share. Haha! That has been our mistake I think, he is at the age where he is fighting naps and asserting independence and we have always put him to sleep in our arms. Eeek. Well actually, since my surgery, he lays alone in his bed but my HH lays on the floor next to him. I guess that's one step in the right direction. Toddlers are a wonderful challenge.

Choose Positivity. Grin and Bear It.

I kept my baby home with me today (instead of having my mother in law watch him) because I will be going back to work this week ( I still can't believe it!! ). I felt bad not spending extra time with him when I can and I knew I would regret it if I didn't. It wasn't too bad (in terms of me being physically exhausted because time spent with my son is always happy) until nap time. He fights his nap like no other. I took him for a walk in the stroller to get him to sleep since it's the safest way for me to do so. If I hold him I risk him head butting me or something. I walked for an hour in the hot sun, sweating and getting super exhausted. He STILL wasn't asleep. It was such a nice quiet walk too! So he proceeds to refuse to get out of the stroller when I pulled up to our house and then he started screaming. Of course neighbors were out and about, so I walked again, super thirsty and incredibly weak. Twenty minutes later he was finally asleep. He only slept an hour then woke up crabby. I held him in the recliner and he went back to sleep for another hour and we both got super sweaty. He STILL woke up crabby. I was so exhausted, I felt like all I could do was stare when he wanted to play. It was tough. It's always such a surprise when my body reminds me that I'm not quite "back to normal". I was in zombie mode. In the evening my wonderful friend came by with her yummy rainbow jello!! It's beautiful AND delicious and it's all for me. Her daughter was so sweet to Jabin and he had so much fun with her. I was grateful for the company, conversation, and the break for my son from his boring, tired mama.
For some reason my tongue is incredibly sore on the right side and it got progressively worse all day long. To the point when swallowing was so painful, it would make me cringe. Talking and eating are super painful too. Why is it always something!?!? I couldn't even finish my precious lemon chicken soup from Corner Bakery. I tried to drink an Ensure just to get full, nope. My guess is that the GIGANTIC splint is smashing my tongue on that side, probably did all through the night. Anyway, I'm getting more feeling back here and there. Tingly feelings but still progress. The swelling is better and I'm praying that when this splint comes out tomorrow (HALLELUJAH!) it will improve even more. I want to smash that thing to smithereens with a hammer. I dream about being able to get my teeth professionally cleaned and getting these braces off FOREVER. Apparently teeth move very quickly in response to orthodontic treatment after surgery so I'm hoping for no more than 6 months tops to be braces free. I hope that's not too optimistic. Even though I know I'd have to wear a retainer afterwards, I'm excited. The day when I don't have to have ANY appliance in my mouth will be cause for a celebration to rival Mardi Gras but until then, I'm looking forward to getting all this freakin' metal out of my mouth! I'm SO sick of it all. This has been such a looooong road (almost 6 years!!!!), but one that I think was divinely ordained to build character. I hope I was a good and responsive student! :-/ I've read so many blogs where people write that they are happy, grateful and have no regrets after their jaw surgeries. I'm holding on to that. I have regular contact with a sweet girl who I think is about 1-2 years post op and very happy. She is an extension of my support group (my family), one that understands in a way they can't and it's incredibly helpful and encouraging. This is all just part of my journey and as difficult as it is, it's also easy. Because at the end of the day, it could be SO much worse.

This picture does not do it justice...yummers!

The Ups and Downs...

I started the day on a great note and then at breakfast (our first time eating out since my surgery - I had oatmeal and coffee) I just kinda got snippy with my husband. I literally thought to myself as he looked at me with a confused expression, "what was that?". Then I was fine. But I did that a couple more times during the day. I remembered later in the evening that I had read somewhere that when someone feels depressed, they can sometimes lash out in anger. I'm not saying I'm a depressed person and I never have been (thank God, that must be very difficult) but I know that recovering from a major surgery can sometimes bring about temporary moments of depression. It felt like a lightbulb turned on and I explained to my husband what I thought it was and apologized. This was a good thing, but then I started to cry. I know it's normal to have good days and bad days but man, this back and forth that I sometimes feel in the space of just 24 hours just plain sucks. It just felt hard today to deal with all the metal things poking me, the exhaustion just from walking, the hunger and inability to eat, the rubber bands, the difficulty of finding food when out and about, exasperation with my own mood swings, guilt, impatience and the ugliness and discomfort of my face. These pitiful thoughts will bounce into my head out of nowhere: "I'm such a drag on everyone around me", "I ruin everyone's fun because I can't do anything", "this recovery is going to last forever", "I feel so ugly, I bet my husband is embarrassed" on and on and on. I know these are lies and I do my best to give them to God as soon as I come to my senses but it's annoying! Anyway, my HH followed me into the kitchen and gave me some gentle tough love (is that possible? lol). He reminded me how I came from needing him to help me get to the bathroom to being able to cook, do laundry and take walks less than a month later. He pointed out all the small goals I've met and the next goals that I can look forward to. He also reminded me that I look lightyears better than I did the day of the surgery. He also very sweetly told me that I am very brave and that he could never do it and he knows it must be so tough and that's why he never gives me a hard time about my moods or times when I get down. He encouraged me to stay positive and look at what's coming. It was just what I needed. It was pretty amazing because my devotional this morning talked about how Jesus, although filled with compassion for people, never allowed anyone to wallow in self-pity. It pointed out how He would often encourage people to do what they could to help themselves, to stop looking at their problems long enough to look instead at what they could do about them. He showed tough love. He told the lame man to pick up his mat and walk. He spit on dirt to make mud, wiped it on a blind man's eyes and told him to go wash it off so he could see. Jesus loved on them, but didn't pity them or allow them to wallow in self-indulgence. That's what my husband kinda did today. <3 

We walked around at the Citadel outlets this afternoon and it was nice. But I got realllly tired. I'm not getting enough calories to do that kind of activity. We got two pairs of shoes for my BB, some trail running Nikes for my HH and a pair of Nike lounge pants for me. Oh! And a couple gifts for my nephews. But I'm going to go back for those trail shoes myself. That'll be the only exercise I can really do soon and I have a great trail by my house. I just gotta make sure I eat enough to make up for it. Oh, fun moment of the day: I had to have something to "eat" so we stopped for some fro-yo. I went to the public restroom to remove my rubber bands and EVERYONE was staring at me like what the heck? HAHA! Instead of being embarrassing, it was really funny. The tool that I use to remove them looks like a pair of scissors so it must've been extra confusing for people, since most people know nothing about jaw surgery. The end. 

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

Try not to be too jealous, but tonight I made a shake out of a neapolitan ice cream sandwich because I needed every calorie. There are some perks here and there. Haha! I made a chicken tortilla soup on the fly because I had no other ideas for dinner and I needed to make something that I could also eat. It actually came out really good so I'll share the recipe.
I'm attempting to start moving my upper lip area more often in order to hopefully restore some feeling and movement there. Annnnd reduce the ridiculous swelling. The people who are around me most keep saying it's not that bad and I know compared to before, it's really not. But my good 'ol neighbor makes sure I know that, yup, it's pretty bad. My skin is kinda getting better though. So that's a plus. The time to return to work is coming up really fast now! I can't believe it. It's a foreign concept to think about having to be awake and ready by a certain time and to also be at work for 9 hours. And on top of that they implemented a whole new system right after I left. AND I still have to deal with adapting/blending meals, eating them as neatly as I can (nearly impossible), keeping my mouth meticulously clean and being banded shut and unable to speak. Argh. It'll be a new challenge. I'm a little conflicted as to whether I should continue my habit of getting up for 10 minutes every hour to move around (sitting for long periods is extremely detrimental to your health!) or if I should conserve the calories. I'm not sure. On that note, I weighed 98 pounds this morning (sad I know) and 101 pounds by 8:30pm! It fluctuates like that all the time. I look so pitifully skinny and boney around my shoulders and arms. And my butt...it's just a sad situation. Worse than losing weight (that's EASY to put back on) I've lost all my muscle. I was just starting to put a tiny bit back on after having my son and now it's all gone. THAT'S harder to put on. But it'll be my new focus and challenge once I conquer this recovery. By the way, I was going to take a before and after picture of my milkshake but I was so excited that I forgot...and quickly ate it.
My uncle in Florida sent me a message saying that he's praying for me and that I am very brave. That really makes me feel good! I guess, by the grace of God, I kinda am! It's true that bravery is not the lack of fear, it's doing difficult things despite feeling fear. That's a new label for me but I'm gonna make sure I get used to it.
Super cute moments of the day: the ice cream man was driving by (the source of the ice cream sandwich) and my BB stood at the door and yelled at the top of his lungs STOP! STOP! while holding out his little palm, his face pressed to the broken screen. I taught him that hahaha. Later, while he was playing in his playroom, I was able to kiss him almost the way I used to do all the time (which is repeatedly kissing him all over his little cheek). He must've noticed because he put down the toy he was playing with and turned his precious little face right up to mine and smiled the sweetest smile. Then he put his cheek back out as if to say, go on, continue. SOOOOO SWEET! What else could you need in life?

Whatever's In Your Pantry Chicken Tortilla Soup

4 cups chicken broth (I used the broth I made when boiling my chicken breasts)

2 cups shredded cooked chicken

1 cup frozen corn, thawed

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 1/2 large corn tortillas, sliced into strips

1 cup salsa (mine was too spicy for my weak cuban palate)

1 can condensed cream of chicken soup (I had the low fat one)

1-1.5 tsp cumin

1 tsp whole oregano (rub it in between your palms before dropping in to release all the oils/aroma)

1 tsp dried cilantro (or fresh if you have it but add it at the end)

pinch of salt and pepper, to taste

Add all the ingredients to your favorite pot and simmer away. The longer the better because the flavors marry and the broth thickens. I did a little over 30 minutes. Top with cheese or whatever else you like and enjoy! (I blended it and it was creamy and delicious)

Confident Conqueror and Metal Mouth

I'm so relieved to find out that the surgeon still feels that my recovery is progressing wonderfully. He also felt that the potential hole in the roof of my mouth is looking good. He seemed really relieved about that. He did mention that there was "debris" (meaning food) in the top back of the right side of my mouth. Ew. He showed me how to move my jaw to be better able to reach back there but I can still taste food there (so gross, I know) and I don't see anything there when I look. It's weird. I rinse excessively when I'm brushing my teeth so I blame the giant plastic splint for trapping food there. I do my best. I was able to show my HH my x-ray today and I took a picture so I could share with all of you (the 2 of you who faithfully read my blog haha). This is why I will set off metal detectors:

My 6 plates and 31 screws

I had the BEST soup for dinner tonight. My HH graciously went out to grab it for me after a long afternoon. It was lemon chicken orzo soup from Corner Bakery. WOW. So so good. It came in a sourdough bread bowl that had apparently come freshly out of the oven so it was warm and soft. I scraped out all of the soft filling and blended it with the soup. The aroma was heavenly! It's a new fave.

I read a devotional based on Romans 8:17, "Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us". It talked about we should believe this with our whole hearts. Believing this truth should give us confidence in every area of life. It should reassure us that before anything (or anyone) ever comes against us, before any trouble strikes in our lives, we have already conquered it and we will learn something from it that will help us in the future.  We already have the victory in all things when we have Jesus in our hearts. Such a great truth. This should give us confidence all the time, if we really believe it. It should also help us remember that everything is temporary. This too, shall pass. My recovery is long, but I'm not alone and it's not forever. I will come out stronger not only physically but hopefully also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That is, if I stop whining long enough to learn what God is trying to teach me.

Everything is Temporary

I am really starting to feel like myself, like I'm back to normal. Although feeling and actually being are two different things. Other than the fact that the area above my upper lip feels almost completely stiff and slightly numb (and the giant plastic splint in my mouth), I feel like I could go for a run, go to work or just do any of the things I used to do. I can almost forget that I am recovering by the way I feel. It's pretty cool. I just wish the process and healing would catch up with the way I feel. It's really amazing how quickly bones can fuse back together but when you're waiting for the ok to do a million things, it feels like a lifetime. Tomorrow I go back to see the surgeon again and I'm curious what he will have to say about many things. I really need to ask a lot of questions because he does NOT offer information at all. When he finally emailed me back about my rubber band issue, it turned out that I don't even need to be wearing them the same way anymore and that the only thing that matters is that the bottom teeth touch the splint up top. WHY would he let me leave the appointment without telling me that?! Isn't that what the whole point of the appointment is about? He is obsessive and overly cautious, yet blase at the same time. It's confusing.
We got a little rain today. It was cozy at home! I just wished my HH was here to snuggle with me and watch a movie. We like to eat hot kettle corn with m&ms and pop one of each at a time while watching movies. Buuuuuut I can't do that right now. Soon enough. Time will pass faster than I think. My little sister brought up a good point at Easter; when our babies are born and we aren't sleeping, we're healing and hurting, irritable and feeling fat, we can't wait for them to grow up a little and start sleeping through the night. We feel eager to get back to feeling like ourselves physically and mentally. Then BAM, one day we wake up and we're wishing we could go back because the time passed faster than we realized. She said my recovery will be like that. I really hope so. Surprisingly, it really helps when people say encouraging things, even if they are pointing out things that I already know. I'm blessed.

New Life

Easter was pretty great. My family and I spent it at a park and I thought it was going to be really hard. But it ended up not being so bad. It was pretty tough being around the spread of food that a holiday brings and I got a little tired at the end but nothing major. My BB had so much fun so that was really nice to see. He got a lot of attention which is great because I'm not always able to be as attentive as he needs. I'm really struggling to think of ways to make my HH feel special or just to give him some type of gift in thanks for everything he has done and is doing everyday. I'm not good at this kind of thing when I feel "pressured" to think of something. I do randomly get great ideas for gifts for people, just not when I need them haha. Hate that. But it was a great day celebrating the resurrection and being reminded that because of what Jesus did I have access to abundant life here and now, healing, restoration and eternal life. Pretty amazing and it took on a more significant meaning this year. Being that I'm in the middle of struggling with discouragement and  trying to heal from this surgery. It was really empowering.
I noticed significant improvement in the swelling this morning so THAT'S really encouraging! My family notices a difference daily but I'm usually not able to see it at all, so today when I woke up and was able to see a difference myself, it was exciting. Last night I had a bit of an issue with my rubber bands. I wear 6 and 2 of them are wayyy back on the sides of my mouth and really tough to put on. For some reason, I could not put on the one on the right side. The rubber band kept breaking which would send my metal tong like tool jamming into my gums, right where I have some stitches. I did it 3 times and it bled every time. It was making me so anxious so I left the back 2 bands out. That in turn made me feel tons of pressure on my other teeth. My surgeon, as wonderful as he is and I'm thankful for him, does not explain ANYTHING to me. So I was really nervous about deciding what the lesser evil would be, leaving out the bands or trying again and hitting stitches. Like I said I opted for leaving them out and it just really didn't feel right. I googled the reason for wearing rubber bands after surgery (which I really shouldn't have to do) and apparently it's all about adjusting and perfecting your bite and it really matters.  I just emailed the surgeon about it, prayed, and went to bed. But now, here I am again wondering, should I try to put them on this morning? I want to avoid going under for any reason like the plague and I also wouldn't want to get stitches redone while I'm awake so I really don't want to mess with that area. Argh! I may get creative and place some wet cotton balls over the area  so that if it happens again it'll hit the cotton and not my gums but that's in theory, not sure if it'll really work. Wish me luck.

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

My surgeon has spoken people (through email but same thing), I can now eat pudding, applesauce, soft noodles, refried beans, mashed potatoes and the like. YAY!! This is a huge step for me. It's confirmation that I am moving forward and progress is and will continue to be made. I am beyond excited, motivated and encouraged. God is so good. I dedicated this morning to reading a devotional and praying first thing because I felt that it would be the best start to my day and get my mind set on the right track. This is what I read:

From Joyce Meyer's book New Day New You : 366 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life, which I received as a gift from a great friend.

Hopefully this helps someone else today. I sent it to a friend who replied that it was exactly what she needed this morning, so God is busy blessing people today. I am now more excited about Easter on Sunday since I can join my family in eating lunch like a somewhat normal person. Woohoo! Hopefully by next Wednesday I have an answer for why I am still banded shut. I think just understanding will bring some sense of relief from the frustration it causes. 

Tonight, I hope to watch a movie with my hubby and smell his hamburger and fries while I enjoy some soup and refried beans! Happy Good Friday! 

Disappointment Strikes Again

What a roller coaster this whole process is. Yesterday was my second post-op appointment and I was expecting to be told that I can now eat oatmeal, applesauce, pudding, etc. And even though I knew that I would still have rubber bands, I thought every week brought a reduction in the amount and an increase in the elasticity. Not for this girl. This is now the start of my third week of recovery and my surgeon still wants me in rubber bands 24/7. I've researched a lot online about jaw surgery and the recovery process and to my understanding, surgeons avoid wiring and banding people shut these days. Not only that, but they encourage chewing, yawning and the like within the first week. Yet here I am, week 3, none of that is happening. He also mentioned that because of the tension in the tissue in my upper arch (due to the expansion he did there) I may develop a hole that would then cause sinus issues and need repairing. Um, what? So he now doesn't want me to use the syringe to eat (or create any suction) and you would think I would be happy but that means that every single time I eat, I have to take my 6 rubber bands off and then rinse and/or brush and then put them back on. People, this is a painful and annoying process. So, he just gave me more work. I also opened the last bottle of antibiotics yesterday morning and thought "yay!" only to arrive at the appointment and have him tell me that he is starting me on two new antibiotics "just to be safe". One of these awesome meds tastes disgusting and has the craziest possible side effects I have ever seen. But, let's be safe, it's not like I'm not uncomfortable or anything. I now also need to take off rubber bands  to take each dose of medicine by the way. Just to make the day more complete, my son had a major meltdown (in his defense he was EXHAUSTED and had been so good for me running errands all day) almost all the way home, the pharmacy took over an hour just to tell me that they were out of one of the meds and that they needed to "make" my other one (since I need it in liquid form). I told them to send the one they were out of to my home pharmacy and then waited 45 more minutes for them to make the other. (When I went to pick it up today here at home, they had filled it at the other pharmacy so I had to wait hours for them to sort it all out, so cool). On top of all that, I'm still an unrecognizable (to me) swollen version of myself. It's hard not to get grouchy and angry and frustrated. I want to eat, I want to be able to express myself! I want to at least know WHEN I can expect to do those things. Everything is so up in the air and my life is so different and it's hard. 

At CVS today, the cashier asked me "are you wired shut?" with this judgmental tone to her voice. I answered yes and showed her my teeth and when she asked why I pointed to my jaw. Her reply, "oh you broke your jaw? Ok, I thought you were trying to lose weight. I was gonna say, you're going to disappear". Really!?! Well, I'm so glad she approves of what I'm doing. Another neighbor saw me today and mentioned that she had noticed I was not around and had been wondering why. I was not wearing bands so I was able to tell her what's going on. She then tells me, about 3 times, how swollen I am. Thanks. She is a really nice lady and I know she had no bad or mean intentions but....why? Does she not think I'm aware? She wants to be sure I know? UGH. I just can't get over this whole crazy timeline. My surgeon had said multiple times before my surgery, that the recovery process was 5 weeks. This is NOT a 5 week process. I feel so misled. It makes me angry. I feel stuck in this place now and I don't feel like I was able to make an informed decision. Even though I've known I needed this surgery most of my life and I would have needed to do it anyway but, it makes me mad that I had such a mistaken idea of what to expect. Or maybe I was just naive about it? I dunno...I just feel like they should make it clear that you will not look like yourself for potentially an entire year, that you may not be able to talk or eat anything other than liquids for weeks, and all the other aspects that affect your day to day. My surgeon even had the nerve to tell me (before surgery) that his patients are never really swollen because he gives good directions, that within a week, they are ok. So I never ever worried about that. But then again, maybe he is blind to it because he told me yesterday that I look great and asked me if I'm happy with it. Ummmm what????? I honestly cannot even remember what I used to look like without looking at a picture. My skin is also constantly shiny and feels like it's peeling at the same time (which I read in many blogs is a consequence of this terrific surgery). 

Ok this blog entry is SUCH a bummer that you all will probably never want to read another one but I do have some sunshine to share: my sweet little Baby Bear gave me SO many kisses today, patted my back and brought me so many colorful flowers and my beautiful friend helped me get my eyes off of myself when I reached out to her. She pointed out that today is when the Last Supper took place, that tomorrow is Good Friday, when Jesus died for our sins and that Sunday will be Easter. A time for celebration, hope and new beginnings. She also lovingly reminded me to trust God. Maybe I need all this to keep bringing me back to the realization that it's not all about me. Even now, when things are hard. (I seem to forget often as I focus on all my physical challenges and discomforts) She encouraged me to take a few moments and reflect on the significance of these events, what the disciples and Jesus went through and what their experiences/actions have done for me. It left me grounded. Like taking a breath of fresh air. I think I need this daily, maybe every hour? Can someone volunteer to follow me around and slap me every time I start to get sucked down into self-pity? I'm now accepting applications. 

Be still my heart...

Gratitude... Day 14

I made it to two weeks post op! I hope everything continues to go well. Today I got an awesome surprise from my HH, a pair of Oakleys!!! I've needed new sunglasses for the longest time. I'm so excited. It was just the pick me up that I needed. It was another gorgeous California day, one where you can't help but feel grateful just to be alive. My little sister went to the grocery store for me which was a huge blessing. I picked up my sweet little BB and  we watered plants and made a big mess of potting soil on the porch. I was also able to have a chocolate ice cream shake (it had protein powder so it did serve a good purpose haha). I can't deny that it was a pretty great day and I'm grateful for it.
I had a couple awkward encounters with people today. The first was my mailman, who fell badly off my porch steps and put the wrong mail in my mailbox (my house is old so it's one of those mailboxes where it falls into your house). He then knocked on the door and began telling me about how he fell and mixed up the mail and I couldn't respond. I felt so bad. So I did what I could and showed him my teeth while mumbling unintelligibly that I couldn't talk. He looked even more flustered, apologized,(people always do when I do that, not sure why) and left. I tried to ask "are you ok?" but he just looked up at me like....huh? Later, the UPS truck came and I had my screen door shut but main door open so I did what any normal person would...I hid. That was weird. Finally my neighbor came home while I was on the porch with my son and mentioned how beautiful my flowers were. I mumbled thanks, which she obviously didn't understand cause she said, "the color, it's really beautiful" and then stared at me. So again, I flashed my metal mouth, mumbled, and got another apology. I don't think she had any idea what I said. This is fun...not. Thank goodness my sister went to the store for me because all the employees know us there. My HH mentioned that he wondered if any of the neighbors thought he might have hurt me because I disappeared for more than a week, my car was gone for 4 days and when I reappeared I had a grotesquely swollen face and a bruised neck. I would love to know if anyone noticed any of that! Haha. I doubt it but that would be funny. G'night!

Okay the Party is Officially Over...Day 13

I knew this day would come but I was hoping it wouldn't come so soon. I'm officially tired of sitting around, having no real reason to get dressed (although I have been getting dressed lately) and having nowhere to go. I'm bored with watching TV (ok not really but I'm tired of it being the way I start my day) and being stuck at home. I still have so much longer before I go to work though so I pulled out an old fashioned post it pad and made a list of things that I can do with my time. I've finished two novels, which is awesome because I haven't had much time to read since BB was born but other than that, nothing productive has really happened, other than healing. Slowly. 

My swelling has gone down but is still there enough to make me feel like I'm not myself. It's just a slow process but I'm still hoping that I can get back to being me before I have to face all the people at work who wrote "you'll be even more beautiful when you get back" in my farewell card. Yes, people seem to think this is a cosmetic surgery, like anyone in their right mind would go through all this crap to fix a crooked smile. I do admit my smile and profile have always bugged me but I wouldn't have gone through all this (5 years plus of braces, rubber bands and this crazy recovery process) just to fix that. I would have let it keep bothering me all my life haha. I am super excited to be able to chew like a normal person though, which should keep me from getting bloated at every meal because I'm swallowing gigantic chunks of food. Yay. 

I picked up BB today at around the same time I would if I was working. It gives HH AND BB a break.   It's just very silent until my HH gets home. It was a really beautiful day again (California is the best) so it was a nice drive. Our house,  and neighborhood in general,  is always swarming with different types of birds and butterflies. As I was pulling out, they were flying back in forth in front of my windshield as if to say, "welcome back!" Ok I have an overactive imagination there but it was nice. 

It was a bummer not to have soup for dinner today but my little sister offered to go to the grocery store for me. Hopefully I can get some ingredients for another amazing soup. I made taquitos, rice and cheesy refried beans for dinner and ugh...I wanted to crunch into one of those SO badly. I considered blending it all into a soup but HH pointed out the obvious, that it wouldn't work. Soon enough, I shall devour everything in sight!!!! 

Palm Sunday....Day 12

Wow, I have to admit time is flying since I had my surgery. I'm glad. I never expected it to fly by that fast. Sometimes I have moments where I sit and realize with a little shock, wow I did it!
Today we went to Home Depot and Petco and I bought some beautiful new hanging flowers for the porch. I also made myself a smoothie out of vanilla ice cream and a mini powdered donut. Yes. It was SO good. I read another blog about jaw surgery and the girl would blend cupcakes into a smoothie everyday! I took a cue from her and tried it and it was wow delicious. Not as good as eating the real thing but still pretty amazing. I just had to do a little extra rinsing but it was worth it. I also cooked dinner for my little family today. It was weird to not eat it myself. At the end of the day, we walked to the park with our little BB and it was a great walk. I can't run so my HH had to do all the playing but it was still really nice to get out.

Look at this little cutie

I got a really sweet and much needed message from a great friend today. She shared with me what her priest spoke about at church, let me know that she is praying for me to recover and to remember that true beauty comes from within. Not only was it encouraging but it helped me focus on what really matters. Her priest spoke about how our days here on Earth are really just "borrowed time" and essentially an opportunity to serve Him by walking in love everyday. In other words, life is not about us and what we want and need but about what we can give and do for others out of gratitude for what Jesus did for us. It also humbled me because I have been focusing way too much on my outer appearance and I felt embarrassed about that. I know that wasn't her intention at all but I see it as a good thing. How vain I have been. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, this is a very difficult recovery in many respects but I got to the point where I was allowing the way I looked to govern the way I chose to go about my day. I have to remember that everything is temporary and being swollen (however grotesquely LOL) is not the worst thing in the world. I truly have the best people in my life. I always have. God is good, all the time.

Mmmmm Soup....Day 11

It was a beautiful Saturday. I ate a delicious soup, homemade by my mother with leftovers she found in my fridge. Yeah, she's amazing. It was the first time since the surgery that I felt like I ate "real food". Yay me! Also....dun dun dun....I went to the Dollar Tree!!!! It wasn't so bad. Sometimes some people take a second look at me but, not really. Besides I kinda had a "who cares?" attitude about it today. It was nice to be able to get some Easter stuff. I also went for a walk in the evening with my HH and BB and it was so refreshing. I love walking around my neighborhood and I've missed it. During lunch today I made my BB a grilled cheese sandwich and ohhh myyy god I was drooling over the smell of toasted bread, butter and melted cheese. I wanted a bite SO BAD! Boooo I may gain 10,000 pounds once I'm able to eat again. Is it bad that I'm mentally planning meals already? 

The swelling went down even more. Little by little but thank God it's consistent. When I brush my teeth  the stitches on the roof of my mouth (yup one of many, my surgeon cut my upper arch clean through and expanded it about 7mm) tickle my gag reflex and it makes brushing my teeth even harder but I'm hoping that they dissolve soon. Other than that, same old, same old with the recovery for today.

My mom has been an indispensable source of help during the days that she is here. That woman is amazing. She can wash my dishes, clean my bathroom and play with my son seemingly all at the same time. It's really hard to not be the primary caregiver for my son (makes me really sad actually) but I'm grateful that my mom is here to step in. He loves her so much and she loves helping out. I'm blessed. As for my HH, he took a two hour nap today. Much deserved. 

New Obstacles to Overcome...Day 10

Up until now I haven't had too much of an issue feeling overly hungry, missing food, or wanting the food that others eat in front of me, probably because I didn't feel well. Unfortunately that's all changing and it's going to make things even tougher. I  am a food LOVER and my appetite is coming back stronger everyday. How the heck can I satisfy a hearty appetite with a liquid diet!? I've gotta get creative. What makes it worse is that eating through those friggin' syringes is such a drag that I dread "eating" and try to get it out of the way in as few sessions as possible with weight gainer smoothies. Arrrggghhh. I also think I'm gonna get a little ballsy and ask my surgeon to bend or remove those metal ties holding on my splint because they are stabbing and scratching the hell out of my lips and it is painful and uncomfortable 24/7. You would think they would have invented something more comfortable by now! Anyway, if anyone has any ideas or recipes for high calorie liquid meals, share please!

Can't wait to throw this in the trash

I got to pick up my BB today for the first time since the surgery so that was exciting. I had my mom with me and that's why I was able to do so. It's difficult to not run out of energy at this point if I'm alone with him. Not to mention that when I'm wired shut it's nearly impossible to communicate. Although, he has gotten really good at interpreting my "charades"!!! Currently my HH is eating our typical Friday meal, which is a burger and fries from a local place and wow, I won't be able to eat anything like that for FOUR MONTHS. What have I done!?!?!?!? 

On a good note though, the swelling has gone down a lot today!! So much so that I'm actually less swollen tonight than I was this morning. Thank You God!!!!!!  My cheeks are still chipmunk cheeks but all around my mouth it is steadily going down. One neighbor saw me (kinda) sitting in my car but my windows are tinted really dark so I don't know how good of a look he got. He was trying to see though! HAHAHA He's a nosey but very sweet old man. I'm just counting the days for the next appointment (4.5) and hoping that my diet can grow to include things like pudding and applesauce and that I get to remove a couple rubber bands. Fingers crossed!

Sigh...Day 9

Maybe it's because I keep looking at myself in the mirror but I am just really getting discouraged with the swelling. I finally found two other bloggers who underwent jaw surgery that had this same "monkey-like" swelling. One girl called it "orangutan" swelling. So while I'm incredibly relieved, one girl woke up on day 9 of her recovery to find that it was gone (so that's apparently not going to be me) and the other girl still had that swelling for much longer. So that leaves me feeling a little crappy since day 9 is obviously not a magic day for me and the other person struggled with it so much longer. Sigh....I. hate. my. face. Right now anyway. I know, I know, I just had surgery and I need to be patient but it's hard! I went through an 8 hour surgery and I'm still pushing through a challenging recovery, can I at least not look like a chimp!? Geez. I wish someone could tell me when this will get better. I'm tired of hearing "in time" or "any day" I just want to know! At least I'd be able to look forward to it. I want to be able to go outside for a walk without feeling like a side show exhibit. I know I'm doing it to myself but I'm starting to feel like a prisoner in my home alllll day cause I can't get up the guts to walk outside. I noticed that both girls refrained from posting recovery pictures until the swelling  went down whereas others would post from day one. So it's not just me. I feel SO hideous and it's really, really getting to me. WHEN will this get better!? I can deal with swelling, I knew it was part of all this but I never expected to look this way. I'm extremely bummed. What can I do? A friend recommended using arnica (an herb) to reduce swelling and I was so excited to try it but of course, I can't find it anywhere. Awesome. Putting on makeup wouldn't even make me feel better because I look so ridiculous I think it would just make me look worse.

My face still feels very numb all around my mouth area. That's not so bad to deal with. Smiling is hard and brushing my teeth is painful. It was a lot easier to put on the rubber bands on my second try today so that was pretty encouraging. My skin is pretty shiny which I learned is a result of the swelling making your skin stretch. So when you go back to normal your skin peels (on the plus side, you get a new layer of skin which is not too shabby).  Another great thing is that the surgeon mistakenly thought my cold sore was dry skin and peeled it off! At first I thought, great, now it's gonna come back in full force. But it hasn't! So one ugly, uncomfortable thing off the checklist. My mom is coming to help with dinner tonight (nope, not for me, for the HH and BB) and I am considering going for a walk when it's gotten a little darker out, maybe it will make me feel more comfortable. All my neighbors know me though so it's tough. Even if they asked I couldn't explain what's going on cause my mouth is banded shut so... Just trying to keep on keepin' on here....Hope you are all having a better day. (My post from Day 7 erased for some reason. I googled it and there is a way to recover it but I'm so not a techie so....bummer cause it was the post with my herb garden photo haha)

First Post Op Appt... Day 8

So today I saw my surgeon for the first time! The intake nurse said my swelling was minimal and that compared to other patients I look great. HUH!?!?! My HH said "See?! I told you!" I was shocked. The surgeon immediately pulled out the tool to cut off my wires and I was SO excited. And a little scared too. He was not gentle with my mouth which was surprising. I, on the other hand, feel like it can fall apart if you stand too close. He announced that I was not doing a good job on hygiene (you try being clean with wires, braces and a tube that shoots milky shakes all over your mouth!) and told me to brush my teeth. It was scary but also SUCH a relief! I can't really open my mouth more than about a finger's width cause it hurts in the joints. I think it's due to the splint but I'm not sure. I got another nice surprise when my surgeon announced that my splint will have to be in for 4 weeks instead of 3 because my orthodontist will be on vacation..... REALLY?! Nice. Argh. He was very pleased with how straight and symmetrical my face and my bite are and kept mentioning how happy he was with the outcome while asking if I can see the difference (I can, but I'm fixated on my swollen face). When we took an x-ray I got to see the 6 metal plates that are in my mouth. Yes SIX, not to mention numerous screws. It was kinda cool. Apparently I will be setting off metal detectors, which will be fun hahaha. My HH and BB were excited to be able to hear my voice again which was sweet. I had a hilarious lisp but that's ok. Sooooo, now I am rubber banded shut instead of wired and I can take them off (in fact I need to twice a day) to eat (drink really) and brush. I was excited about that....until I got home and tried to do it. It is SO HARD. And it hurts. What was he thinking!? At least every week/appointment means a reduction in rubber bands though so that's something to look forward to.
One of my teeth has a receding gum line, apparently a possible side effect of surgery. I will have to pay to surgically correct that after my braces come off.....yaaaaay. More surgery, more money, woo-hoo....
He prescribed an antibiotic mouthwash to ensure it doesn't get infected and I got another treat when I picked it up at the pharmacy counter. I handed the lady my Kaiser card and I.D. and she says, with pity in her voice, "Oh you poor thing you look nothing like your picture. Did you have a wisdom tooth taken out?" I opened my lips to show her that no, my jaw was chopped up into pieces, re-bolted and was now immobile and she said "oh!" and went about her work. People can be so dumb, but I didn't let her get to me. It was kinda fun to shock her.

Braces + splint + rubber bands = ouch (sorry if this scares you)

All in all I still have to say it was an exciting day. Progress is progress and I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. Thank GOD for my HH. Poor guy had to listen to me scream "this is so stupid!!" while I tried to replace the rubber bands (it actually sounded more like "ish mish toe stushid!") while our two year old was rubbing a bar of soap all over his hands and hair behind me. Haha. Adventures at our house!
On our way to the appointment I was reading my "verse a day" on my Daily Bible app and it really woke me up for some reason. I've been a little restless and anxious since my surgery, so much so that I can't even relax enough to read a book and remember what I've read (I'm a total book worm). But when I read that verse, everything came back into focus, I felt like myself again and God filled me with hope and grounded me once again. It was Colossians 3:23-24, "whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance". It just put into perspective that my recovery from this surgery, that God in His grace brought me through, is an act of service as well. It made me realize that managing my attitude and approach as I encounter the difficulties of recovering can be something that I do as a service to Him. To remain grateful, lean on Him for strength and hope and do all the things that seem too hard, in His power. I just felt so full of all the things I had been lacking this past week: hope that things are getting better, trust that God has a perfect timeline, and joy for every moment that I'm here. Emotions come and distract me sometimes but I'm gonna try to keep my eyes fixed on Him. G'night peeps. (I don't know why the font changed here...sorry)