Love, Love, Love...

God never ceases to amaze me! Always when I need it most and deserve it the least. I was walking during my lunch break with my HH (who also amazes me with his love) and after he returned to work I decided to walk a little bit more and pray. It was such a nice day. I was pretty much thanking God for everything He does for me, trying to get my thoughts aligned with the joy that anyone who is loved by God should ALWAYS have. As I walk back into the building I'm approached by the "grandpa" of our department who always cheerfully greets me and encourages me throughout my recovery with quick "you'll be great in no time" shoutouts. So he comes over and tells me that I'm looking much better etc etc, and then suddenly he places his hand on my shoulder and says, "God really loves you". And I replied that yes, I knew that He does love me very much. He was happy about that and asked me if I knew the Lord and I said yes. Then he just repeated that God loves me and how great it was that I knew it. Seriously God!? Thank you! So cool. It was like an answer to the prayers I had just been saying to myself. What an awesome God.

On the recovery front, I'm still eagerly awaiting to be fully recovered, to be able to eat whatever I want and have no physical restrictions. But I know it will be awhile. I did start lifting weights again (while wearing my hubby's weight vest!), but at home with HH not at the gym. Might as well start somewhere. I was so sore after my first session and it felt SO GOOD! Last night I did abs and some pushups and dips and tonight I plan on attacking the glutes and legs again. I'm able to eat enough things that I can keep up with the nutritional aspect of it and I can't lift heavy enough to grit my teeth anyway so I'm not in danger there. It feels really good to get back to a part of my life that I value so much. I gotta remember to take my measurements so that I can track my progress.

I also applied to FINALLY return to school and finish my bachelors AND I start a new job soon with the department of mental health with lots of room for growth and opportunities to learn/network. My HH got accepted into a great master's program and is excited about starting that as well. New beginnings, changes and new challenges (opportunities for growth!) are coming our way. I used to always fear change but now I catch myself and remember that God can bring me through anything and He's on my side and GREAT things can come from change! I'm starting to dream bigger than I ever let myself before. Getting a PhD in the future? Why not? Becoming a competitor in fitness competitions? A little out there haha, but...it's not impossible!

Choose joy everyday! This coming from a girl who struggles with remembering that but I hope I can encourage others the way so many people encourage me, through instagram accounts, in books, friends, and the Bible. If we make God bigger in our minds than the problems we face or circumstances we are in and especially bigger than our emotions, we can choose joy ALL the time. XOXO

Accepted

I've gone on six job interviews in a week. Three of them were in one day. At each interview I've tried to sell myself while simultaneously trying to figure out if I would accept a position were it to be offered. It's taxing for sure. Even though I recognize that I am extremely fortunate and I will continue to do my best at my future interviews, I started to feel a little tired of being evaluated by a complete stranger based on what a paper says about me and my nervous answers to their general questions. There's something so humbling about trying to meet the unknown needs and expectations of someone who has the power to affect your life. You realize that you can't really know what they are specifically looking for and you can only hope that you fit the bill in order to be considered for the job.

On that note, my HH had  anxiously been awaiting word from a masters program that he had applied to a few months back. He was accepted! He was beyond excited and so was I. It will be a new chapter not just for him, but for our whole family and while I admit I am a little apprehensive about how all the logistics of raising a son and running a home will balance out with his new schedule, I am excited about how God will grow us through the challenge. There was a lot of pride and emotion in my husband's eyes as he realized he had reached this goal and he wanted to share it with everyone.

It's no wonder to me, when I think about our current circumstances, why it is so difficult for us (as people in general) to accept God's merciful and complete love without trying to earn it. Everything that the Bible teaches contradicts the ways of the world for sure, and this is no exception. Jesus says, I took the blame and punishment for you to enter into God's family, it's been done for you. But we want to earn this love and acceptance. We want to be considered "worthy" of it by doing enough, being enough etc etc etc. We spend our whole lives here on Earth earning degrees that say we are "smart", job titles that say we are "important", and reaching benchmarks to prove we are enough. The world drills this manner of thinking into our minds. Even in elementary school, we are earning grades, trying to reach goals set for us, meet the expectations of the adults in our lives and behave appropriately. All to be accepted. All to be enough. But God doesn't want us to approach Him with this mindset. He is revolutionary in the way He loves us. It is beyond our human understanding. Only He can reveal the depths of His love to us but we have to seek it! I want to say that I'm great at this but that's just our habit isn't it? I'm not, but I want to want to seek Him more everyday. And that's a start! I know He will change my desires and repriortize my life as long as I do my best. He does what we can't do when we are doing what we can do. Sometimes all we can do seems like nothing, but God looks at the heart and any effort is enough for Him as long as it's genuine. Thank God! Haha!

My hope as a mother is to ensure that I make my BB feel that he is accepted just as he is. I cringe whenever I see an expression on his face that looks anything remotely like shame. I know to some extent this can be a good thing because this is how we learn what's acceptable behavior and what isn't but I never want to make him feel ashamed of who he is just because I'm having a bad day or something. I worry too much!

Things Not To Do When You're Getting Over A Cold....

( Just an FYI, the blog entry I'm publishing today was written on Friday, for some reason I forgot to click Post. )

If you've had a fever and a cold for the past few days, you probably shouldn't take your son for a walk on a freezing cold day.  You should also make sure that you check the weather report if it rained heavily the night before. You shouldn't wear simple flats without socks and get your feet soaked when you're walking home...in the rain. It's important that you don't leave the house without an umbrella and if you happen to be underweight because you're recovering from surgery, don't leave home to walk two miles without packing a snack. Just an FYI for anyone who happens to find themselves in this situation, as this dodo bird did this morning. Luckily, while I do not prepare well for myself, I make sure that BB has everything he needs. So when this mama got home wet and cold, he was warm, dry, full, and fast asleep. My reward? Some potato cheese soup, a slice of chocolate meringue pie and a cup of decaf and some TV time.

I'm having one of those days (should be everyday!) where I am enjoying so many of the seemingly tiny aspects of life in a significant way. (I give God all the "credit" for this) I have this appreciation for everything and so much hope for the future and I'm look forward to every little thing with excitement. I love it. When I was younger I was like this almost all the time. I'm determined not to let "aging" have any negative effects on me. To the best of my ability. I know when we get busy and loaded down with more responsibilities than I think humans were ever intended to have, we lose appreciation for the beautiful things we encounter daily. Honestly, I enjoy and look forward to going to the grocery store. But on days when I am overwhelmed and I allow my attitude to get cloudy, it becomes another task on my long to-do list. The one thing that is hardest for me to "be ok" with is a messy house. It is VERY difficult for me to feel cozy, comfortable and relaxed in a messy or dirty house. My sisters have always made fun of me (I was Monica from friends to them lol) about how meticulous I am with where I place things, how I decorate etc. BUT living with HH (sorry babe I love ya anyway) has changed all that. Men don't care! I let the messiness go everyday because I HAVE to but in my own house, I am never really comfortable. I want to have a beautiful home! I always have! But I don't even try anymore. Wahhhhhh. I struggle (but I'm seriously working on this) with balancing/organizing all the things I want and need to do on a daily basis: work, be a mother, be a wife, cook fun & delicious meals, clean and beautify my house, do regular facials/threading sessions/pedicures/massages/haircuts (HA! these are last on my list and never really ever get done), read, pray, meditate, workout, relax and help someone. HOW THE HECK DO YOU SQUEEZE ALL THIS INTO EVEN ONE MONTH!?
Sigh....tips are welcomed!

Sweet Treats!

My plans once I recover enough to be able to eat normally and exercise without restrictions is to rebuild the muscle I once had and hopefully even more. (HH and I also plan to run the Long Beach Half Marathon in October! My second time, his first) I know it will take time and discipline but I'm excited about those new challenges. One beneficial thing that has come as a result of my recovery process that will aid me in this endeavor is the realization that food is fuel. I've heard this statement before of course, and I understand it, but I have never been forced to really see food in this way. I eat what I like, in moderation of course but I've always enjoyed eating as a pastime activity not just as a means to an end. But, I get it now! It just shows me that I CAN have willpower and that food can help you reach your goals while you enjoy it. It should never become a crutch. Especially considering that I have been told I have pre-diabetes. No bueno... On that note, yesterday was Cinco De Mayo and I came into work with plans to have oatmeal and two pieces of toast (dipped into decaf coffee of course). Buuuuut there were boxes and boxes of pan dulce and donuts and cake....UGH. Once I start working out, I will resist these things and stick to the plan....most of the time!

I have officially been given the ok to exercise and life weights with a couple restrictions: no clenching of teeth and no bouncing, jarring activities (i.e. running). I am thinking that I should start waking up early again and either going to the gym that I've been paying for or starting at home with basic moves and no weights. The only difficulty is that I am still underweight. So, add exercise for my sanity and emotional well-being despite not "needing"it (in terms of weight loss) or continue this post-op sedentary lifestyle that is a drag on my sense of self? Feel free to chime in peeps. I can't decide.

On the post-op front, my surgeon and ortho are both happy with the progress and I am now seeing them less frequently. Eating is still not "normal" because chewing feels weird when you can't really feel your teeth and pasta is pretty much the only thing I can chew. But I doing all my new facial/jaw exercises and I see improvement. Now that I can feel the gums on my upper jaw a bit better, I can feel that the splint really digs in and is a little irritating and I have a lisp because of it as well. Nothing new since I used to wear a bite plate but I have several job interviews this month and I hope I won't come off badly because of it. My interview today is all the way in West L.A. and although the location is NOT ideal, it would be a little exciting because the area looks cool. Getting there is the problem. BUT it's with DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) and it would be amazing to get my foot in the door there. Wish me luck!

On the mom/wife front...it is SO important to get some "me time" in on a daily basis. At least for me. I will go days without making time for it and then I end up feeling so overwhelmed that I want to blame someone for my frustrations. But really, it's me that is to blame. I put too many expectations on myself and neglect my own needs and then I fail at being the kind of mother and wife that I aspire to be. I'm trying to figure out how I can start my day with prayer/meditation/Bible time AND working out. Ideally I would like to eat some breakfast before I have to start rushing too and now you see my tendency to start making a simple solutions impossible. If I wake up at 4am....