From Glory to Glory ... Little by Little.

Sometimes we feel like we're stuck. It seems we lack motivation or progress and as a result, hope can slowly fade. I've felt that way not only during this recovery, but in life in general during different seasons. But when you get your spark back, when you realize everything is temporary and that God is the One who is in control of your progress, it's as if spring has sprung again. "And all of us, as with unveiled face, because we continued to behold in the Word of God as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splendor and from one degree of glory to another..." - 2 Corinthians 3:18 (AMP).  Sometimes it's just a simple little thing that reminds you, snaps you out of your funk and says "hey! you are ok". Today for me, it was a couple co workers mentioning that I look much healthier, better, less swollen today. Ironically I woke up feeling as if my progress had not just stalled but that I had actually gotten worse. My upper lip felt stiffer and more swollen and it got me worried and wondering. I started losing my focus on Him and all that I have to look forward to. This recovery is a tiny little nothing in comparison to the recovery that He is doing in my spirit, mind and heart. This is a blip on the radar and He is teaching me to look beyond the mirror for my beauty, beyond the now for my joy and beyond myself for fulfillment. What an awesome thing to believe, to know, that I am being changed into His image despite my failures, shortcomings and weaknesses. To know that I don't have to depend on my earthly accomplishments or limited strength for my worth or ability or potential. He does it all and He is faithful to finish what He starts. It just takes time, and His concept of time is nothing like ours.

 

Just keep looking up!



This weekend, my BB was talking about wanting a little brother (this idea was put in his head by HH) and I asked him where I should get him from and he said, "the dollar store"! Hahahaha. Priceless humor, and I got it on video. Well the second time he said it...as I prompted him. It was too funny not to document! He is growing up so fast and he teaches me how to be a better person, mom and woman. Everytime we pass a church he says "mama that a church!...we go to church on Sundays". Love love. Once while we were out front playing, before my surgery, the wind was blowing through the many trees on our little street and he says "God made the wind! It sounds like music!". These are the moments to live for people.

It's Friiiiiiday!!!

I can't believe the whole month of April, the month after my surgery, is almost over! Crazy! And I made it through my first week at work. It wasn't too bad! I got a smoothie delivered to me this morning by my buddy so that was super nice. The ones I made last night from The Yummy Life blog were delicious! And very filling. You should try them!
I went to another post-op appointment today and my surgeon seemed to stare at my teeth for a long time. Not sure if that's good or bad but he pretty much just reiterated that he is eager for the ortho to get some cross elastics (more rubber bands) in the back of my mouth. He was also very interested in the book that I was reading and asked to read a page, after which he said, "I should get this for my wife". That may be a bit offensive towards her since the book is entitled The Everything Parent's Guide to Emotional Intelligence in Children. Haha!
I'm so eager to get to the point where I am not banded shut all day anymore! I've accepted that rubber bands will be in my life for awhile because I know now that they will be used to fix the positioning of some back teeth, but the the bands in front that hold my mouth shut...enough already! I also can't wait for the orthodontist to start tweaking my teeth. I think my mouth can't handle it yet but mentally, I'm so ready!
On my way to pick up BB I was listening to Air1 and heard the quote of my life..."You can't have faith and control at the same time" (- Jim Reeves). This is TRUTH people and I need to get this through my head. It may become my new mantra every morning. The rest of my drive home with BB was not pleasant unfortunately. It involved another 30 minute tantrum. Again, he was tired (he had woken up when my mother in law placed him in the car seat and had been sleeping wayyyy too long) and his teeth were hurting. Not fun. BUT I used it as an opportunity to practice self-control and patience. I tried to help him identify his feelings and let him know that I understood his frustration but it was tough to listen to him scream like that while driving in street traffic after a loooong day. It also stresses me out (and breaks my heart) for him to be so upset. I hope the neighbors don't start wondering why my child seems to hate coming home LOL! By the time I got him in the actual house my nerves were so shot that I was trembling and near tears. Yes really. So....it was a beautiful thing to find a gift from a friend in my mailbox! It's a devotional that I am super excited about!! I just read the introduction before writing this post and no lie, I am super inspired and excited to get started! The book is also incredibly adorable which just makes it more fun. To reward myself for keeping a cool head during my BB's award winning tantrum, (and let's get real, to comfort myself with food) I went out and got a huge slice of tres leches cake with a ridiculously tall layer of chocolate icing and some chocolate ice cream. I ate almost all of it and I make no apologies.

My awesome new book!

Perception is Everything...

Another gloomy day in California. But still beautiful! You can find the beauty in these days because they're so rare you appreciate them rather than wish them away. I just wish I could be cozy at home with a movie and a hot chocolate. Ok, it's not THAT cold, but all the same it'd be nice.

I was stopped by a girl here at work who I don't really talk to when we were both in the bathroom. She asked about the surgery and recovery and I touched vaguely on different aspects of it. Then she suddenly asked me, "do you need a hug?". Unexpected but, why not! Lol. A hug is never a bad thing, I just wonder what made her say that. Another lady who returned today for the first time this week said that my face and skin are significantly younger looking! Huh!? Ok though, I'll take it. It is very interesting how differently people can see the same thing (in this case, my face! lol) It reminds me of how when you have a child, some people see you in them, yet another person can only see the other parent. I actually feel less swollen today. I even think I LOOK less swollen! Yet it's the one day that no one has told me that it's gone down. Life is funny that way.
While taking a walk this weekend through my hilly neighborhood, I thought about all the times I've run those streets and how much I tend to look forward to the descent as I'm running up hills. As a matter of fact, looking foward to running downhill is what motivates me to run uphill faster, which inevitably makes me enjoy it more. Life can be like that. My recovery is the hill I'm currently climbing and I can scale it faster and enjoy the journey if I keep my mind focused on how great the "downhill" will be. This is not forever, which means eating ice cream every night will eventually become a thing of the past. So I might as well enjoy it now!

Yesterday when I got home, my BB woke up as we pulled into the driveway. He had spent the day with his cousins, thus avoiding his nap. He then began to literally just scream and cry that he wanted "to go that way" in the car. (just a random direction). When he is tired and his teeth hurt, he becomes so irrational and uncontrollable. I can relate. It was tough because I had just driven for an hour to get home, I was tired and I couldn't just pick him up at the risk of him flailing and hitting me in the face. So I sat in the back seat with him and prayed to myself for a minute (I needed Him to help me keep it under control!) and then tried to calm him. It took about 15 minutes but I was finally able to bring him inside. He just needed a hug...and some oragel. How do you all handle your two year old's tantrums? Just curious...:)

On a totally random side note: Since I can only drink my food these days, I was looking for smoothie recipes that include oatmeal (I've made these before and they're so good!). I found this great link and wanted to share with you all. This blogger's smoothies also include chia seeds and she found a way to include them  without having them turn into a thick jelly (which they do when they absorb liquid, try chia pudding!). The best part is that you make them ahead to allow the chia to do it's thing and they won't get runny since they don't have ice. Here's the link: www.theyummylife.com/Oatmeal_Smoothies I'm going to make some tonight for my breakfast tomorrow. Yay! I love shortcuts like that!

Keep the Encouragement Coming!

A little note from a co-worker encouraging me to count my blessings, another stopping by my desk to offer more encouraging words and a visit to my orthodontist resulting in praise and excitement about the progress of my bite and teeth. I love it! Hahaha, I could get used to this! It got my mind and attitude going in the right direction. It prepared me for the incredibly ignorant comment another employee came and made later in the day. She asked me where I'd been, pointed out that I'd lost weight and then asked...so is that why you did it? Yes. Yes moron, I had a double jaw surgery so that I could lose weight, because I was SO huge before that I needed to take drastic measures. Sheesh. Undeterred by my "no!" she then asked what I'm eating to stay so thin....all I could do was take a deep breath people. Later in the day I got about 4 "you look weird"s from my husband's nieces when I went to pick up my son. That was fun. Honestly though, it didn't get my attitude down since I had received so many positive vibes this morning. Thank God!

It was a little gloomy and cold today so I enjoyed staying at my desk as much as possible, reading my ebooks every chance I get. Coziness! I also had some decaf with cookies dropped into it (to soften them) and it filled me up for so long! I'll be looking forward to doing that everyday now! Yummy and filling.

I may finally post a photo of my slightly swollen face. Now that I know it's not forever, it doesn't feel as scary. Lame, but true. Maybe I'll post a timeline of my swelling so you can all enjoy the "beauty" of progress! Haha. g'night!

Little Victories

I'm blogging from my desk at work! This is my second day back and the first was a success. It went much better than I expected. Since everyone in my area knew about my surgery and were warned ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to really speak, it went smoothly. I got a lot of "welcome back" and "your face shape looks different" which was nice and then most people pretty much let me be. When walking in the hallway to go to the bathroom and stuff, I got a few double takes. That's a little hard cause it makes you feel like a freak haha but what I can do but keep walking? I can't wear a sign that says, "I had double jaw surgery". Anyway, they're allowing me to just focus on tasks other than the new system, which is nice because the new system is very involved and time consuming. It would compete with the time that it takes for me to take my rubber bands on/off, brush my teeth, sneak off to do my mouth exercises and eat (very slowly). Phew. I decided against bringing my Magic Bullet to work because it would be too much to clean and do and pack everyday. But I really need to get more creative about what I can eat. It's getting boring. Although the addition of soggy pancakes is awesome! I cannot wait until the surgeon gives me the ok for soft chewing. Grilled cheese here I come!

I finished the book I had mentioned in a previous post. It was a great thought provoking read. Choosing To SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman is about her life and faith after the tragic loss of her daughter. I loved how honest she was about her thoughts and feelings while struggling to continue trusting in God and believing that His plans are perfect. You can relate to her frustrations regardless of what you have gone through or are struggling with. There are so many awesome tidbits of encouragment and wisdom. At the point in the book where she describes so vivdly and openly the death of her daughter (at the hands of her son, a complete accident), I was completely choked up and unable to keep myself from crying. It's unbelievable what people go through and it's equally amazing how God can be our everything, if we let Him. I may buy the book since I earmarked so many pages.

It's been 34 days since my surgery. Wow. I've made a point to think about the areas in which I have made any progress, at the urging of HH, so here goes: I can now purse my lips enough to blow on my BB's food to cool it off, I can smile much bigger (although the top lip doesn't curl up...yet), my gums are looking better everyday and I may not need the gum graft surgery (yay!), it's much easier to talk even when wearing my rubber bands (since there's only 3 vs 6 and they aren't as tight), and I'm sleeping in my own bed again! I'm still keeping my head elevated though until ALL of this swelling is gone. I don't want to do anything that will slow that excruciatingly slow process down. Whenever I'm alone in the car I do ridiculously exaggerated kissing/smiling movements to get that upper lip area to wake the heck up and get flexible again (and hopefully go down in swelling). I don't know what else I can possibly do but I'm back to a place where if the swelling is going down everyday, I can't detect it. It makes me have to work harder at not getting discouraged. It's one of the unpredictable parts of this recovery. Back to work I go on this beautiful California day!

Victory!!!

I went to see my surgeon again this morning and he felt that my palate is safe with the appliance I have in as long as it stays in contact with my back molars. Dr B thinks he may have contracted my jaw a bit immediately after surgery when he was placing appliances in there. The tightness of the tissue makes it want to contract. But I won't need another surgery so praise God! We had a great little chat where I expressed to him how life-changing it is to have this surgery. I'm really starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and although I'm still too swollen to see the final result and not recovered enough to chew, I feel brand new. He was surprisingly touched. I guess no one has ever told him that before. He mentioned that he understands that people see him as the mechanic of their smiles and I told him that I totally disagreed. At least in my case. I am so grateful for his abilities and skills, his kindness and his unwavering/complete dedication to the perfection of my jaw/face. I feel so indebted to him. I told him how self-concious it has made me all my life, even when I wasn't consciously thinking about it. To hear almost all your life that your smile and jaw are flawed and need surgery makes you feel broken. Like you're not normal. I've carried that with me for years. As I got older, it had less of an effect on me for sure, but I can't describe the load that I feel has been lifted. Not to mention the excitement about being able to eat correctly! Apparently, having an asymmetrical jaw has a profound psychological effect on people and the personality traits among those who have this are similar. Amazing.
He asked me to write a review on a website that others have mentioned him on. He said that I am very articulate and have a way with words that carries with it an authenticity and he felt that others who need this surgery would be encouraged by my experience. It's something that I can do for him so I definitely will. I was most excited to hear him say that I should only have braces on for no more than 8 months! Normally it's about 6 but with the need to pull my back teeth out a bit, it may take longer. That's still such amazing news! It's a goal to look forward to. So by the end of 2015, I should be turning a huge corner in this journey for a straight smile! Oh, he also mentioned that he spent a long time on my cheekbones during the surgery, making sure they were straight! First of all, crazy! Secondly, no wonder I am so swollen there! Haha! He said my face is thin so everything really had to be as straight as possible because it would show. In order to avoid having to do surgery on my chin as well, he had told me that my chin would be about 1-2 mm off but that the average person wouldn't notice. Who cares!? I'm totally fine with that. And I can't see it haha. My whole face was apparently asymmetrical and it was something I was born with.  It's an otherwise harmless, non-genetic issue. It affects people at random. My jaw bone on the right was too long and it just kept growing, especially during my developing years. Others have it much worse, so I'm thankful. After my visit I came home, had some pureed refried beans with cheese (yea I know lol) and then picked up my baby early. I took him to the park and we had a picnic, went for a short walk around the small waterfalls they have and then played a bit on the playground. The best part of it all though was just being able to have great conversation with him. Even with the rubber bands (yup still banded shut and still 24/7 but much looser bands) I can talk now and he was so excited that he said "you talking to me mama!?" Such a cutie.

I love trees and this one is awesome.

My tiny little bear 

I joined a website called bloggingforbooks.com and I'm super excited about it! They send you books (either digitally or print), you read it and then write a review on your blog. I love reading so I can't wait to get my first one. They even send cookbooks! Yay! I'll probably post about another book I've been reading once I'm done. It's pretty amazing. Have a great weekend!

Do Your Circumstances Determine Your Mood?

So yesterday was my 4 week appointment with the surgeon followed by my first post-op appointment with my orthodontist. The appointment with my surgeon Dr. B was full of excitement because he removed my splint! It smelled AWFUL but I was prepared because I had read about that in several blogs. I was able to brush my upper teeth completely and it was so satisfying. So as I was getting ready to leave, my surgeon informed me that he wanted me to see my orthodontist once a week (sheesh) and that he wanted me to come back to see him on Friday (tomorrow). He's very concerned with keeping track of my upper palate, to ensure that it doesn't start to collapse or close back up. This would require another surgery which would be the worst thing ever. The orthodontist was to replace my splint with an appliance (kinda like a retainer) that would support the palate expansion and keep things kosher. Anyway, the last thing he says is, "just as quickly as things can progress, they can go south too". Now, why would you say that?! I know, I know, it's his duty to inform me but what a buzz kill. So I head to the orthodontist (oh just to make things more fun, my nap despising toddler was hysterically fighting his nap for about....oh, 45 minutes) and my appliance didn't fit. It didn't fit! So my ortho, Dr. S, starts to say that I must have had my palate already collapse. So I'm trying to figure it all out in my head, how is it possible for it to collapse when I have literally had the splint wired to my upper jaw? How does my splint still fit when if it collapsed? I started thinking about that pain my tongue and wondering if there was any correlation. Dr S then mentions that maybe the model that was used to make my appliance was off. Anyway, he takes my splint and sands it down to about a fourth of it's size, talks to the surgeon who he had paged and decides that there is no other choice but to stick the altered splint back in to hold the palate open until they can figure something else out. There I am trying not to panic, what if this splint (that after being sanded is not being held on by anything and falls out) doesn't hold my palate open? Did I or did I not have some collapse? What is going on!? Just to add a little more fun to the mix, my ortho was pushing SO hard on my upper mouth (I don't know why) that my entire body would cringe into a ball, my back would arch, and whimpers would come involuntarily out of my mouth. Awful. He did that about, 3-4 times. Nice. So, they can't make another model of my mouth to use to make another appliance because my jaw doesn't open enough to be able to insert the model tray. My mind was reeling, I was trying to figure everything out talking it through with my husband. But I can't figure this out, I don't know why it hurt when the ortho pushed, I don't know why it hurts when I swallow sometimes, I don't know if my palate collapsed and I don't know what will happen. But what I DO know is that God is still in control. Whatever He puts in my path to do, He will enable me to do. He CAN heal me and keep my palate where it needs to be against any and all odds, and His plans are perfect. So, I can still be happy and I can still have peace. I just need to keep my thoughts positive, pray and believe. And that's where I'm at.

Now if anyone has solutions for teaching a toddler to fall asleep alone when he never in his life has done so, share. Haha! That has been our mistake I think, he is at the age where he is fighting naps and asserting independence and we have always put him to sleep in our arms. Eeek. Well actually, since my surgery, he lays alone in his bed but my HH lays on the floor next to him. I guess that's one step in the right direction. Toddlers are a wonderful challenge.

Choose Positivity. Grin and Bear It.

I kept my baby home with me today (instead of having my mother in law watch him) because I will be going back to work this week ( I still can't believe it!! ). I felt bad not spending extra time with him when I can and I knew I would regret it if I didn't. It wasn't too bad (in terms of me being physically exhausted because time spent with my son is always happy) until nap time. He fights his nap like no other. I took him for a walk in the stroller to get him to sleep since it's the safest way for me to do so. If I hold him I risk him head butting me or something. I walked for an hour in the hot sun, sweating and getting super exhausted. He STILL wasn't asleep. It was such a nice quiet walk too! So he proceeds to refuse to get out of the stroller when I pulled up to our house and then he started screaming. Of course neighbors were out and about, so I walked again, super thirsty and incredibly weak. Twenty minutes later he was finally asleep. He only slept an hour then woke up crabby. I held him in the recliner and he went back to sleep for another hour and we both got super sweaty. He STILL woke up crabby. I was so exhausted, I felt like all I could do was stare when he wanted to play. It was tough. It's always such a surprise when my body reminds me that I'm not quite "back to normal". I was in zombie mode. In the evening my wonderful friend came by with her yummy rainbow jello!! It's beautiful AND delicious and it's all for me. Her daughter was so sweet to Jabin and he had so much fun with her. I was grateful for the company, conversation, and the break for my son from his boring, tired mama.
For some reason my tongue is incredibly sore on the right side and it got progressively worse all day long. To the point when swallowing was so painful, it would make me cringe. Talking and eating are super painful too. Why is it always something!?!? I couldn't even finish my precious lemon chicken soup from Corner Bakery. I tried to drink an Ensure just to get full, nope. My guess is that the GIGANTIC splint is smashing my tongue on that side, probably did all through the night. Anyway, I'm getting more feeling back here and there. Tingly feelings but still progress. The swelling is better and I'm praying that when this splint comes out tomorrow (HALLELUJAH!) it will improve even more. I want to smash that thing to smithereens with a hammer. I dream about being able to get my teeth professionally cleaned and getting these braces off FOREVER. Apparently teeth move very quickly in response to orthodontic treatment after surgery so I'm hoping for no more than 6 months tops to be braces free. I hope that's not too optimistic. Even though I know I'd have to wear a retainer afterwards, I'm excited. The day when I don't have to have ANY appliance in my mouth will be cause for a celebration to rival Mardi Gras but until then, I'm looking forward to getting all this freakin' metal out of my mouth! I'm SO sick of it all. This has been such a looooong road (almost 6 years!!!!), but one that I think was divinely ordained to build character. I hope I was a good and responsive student! :-/ I've read so many blogs where people write that they are happy, grateful and have no regrets after their jaw surgeries. I'm holding on to that. I have regular contact with a sweet girl who I think is about 1-2 years post op and very happy. She is an extension of my support group (my family), one that understands in a way they can't and it's incredibly helpful and encouraging. This is all just part of my journey and as difficult as it is, it's also easy. Because at the end of the day, it could be SO much worse.

This picture does not do it justice...yummers!

The Ups and Downs...

I started the day on a great note and then at breakfast (our first time eating out since my surgery - I had oatmeal and coffee) I just kinda got snippy with my husband. I literally thought to myself as he looked at me with a confused expression, "what was that?". Then I was fine. But I did that a couple more times during the day. I remembered later in the evening that I had read somewhere that when someone feels depressed, they can sometimes lash out in anger. I'm not saying I'm a depressed person and I never have been (thank God, that must be very difficult) but I know that recovering from a major surgery can sometimes bring about temporary moments of depression. It felt like a lightbulb turned on and I explained to my husband what I thought it was and apologized. This was a good thing, but then I started to cry. I know it's normal to have good days and bad days but man, this back and forth that I sometimes feel in the space of just 24 hours just plain sucks. It just felt hard today to deal with all the metal things poking me, the exhaustion just from walking, the hunger and inability to eat, the rubber bands, the difficulty of finding food when out and about, exasperation with my own mood swings, guilt, impatience and the ugliness and discomfort of my face. These pitiful thoughts will bounce into my head out of nowhere: "I'm such a drag on everyone around me", "I ruin everyone's fun because I can't do anything", "this recovery is going to last forever", "I feel so ugly, I bet my husband is embarrassed" on and on and on. I know these are lies and I do my best to give them to God as soon as I come to my senses but it's annoying! Anyway, my HH followed me into the kitchen and gave me some gentle tough love (is that possible? lol). He reminded me how I came from needing him to help me get to the bathroom to being able to cook, do laundry and take walks less than a month later. He pointed out all the small goals I've met and the next goals that I can look forward to. He also reminded me that I look lightyears better than I did the day of the surgery. He also very sweetly told me that I am very brave and that he could never do it and he knows it must be so tough and that's why he never gives me a hard time about my moods or times when I get down. He encouraged me to stay positive and look at what's coming. It was just what I needed. It was pretty amazing because my devotional this morning talked about how Jesus, although filled with compassion for people, never allowed anyone to wallow in self-pity. It pointed out how He would often encourage people to do what they could to help themselves, to stop looking at their problems long enough to look instead at what they could do about them. He showed tough love. He told the lame man to pick up his mat and walk. He spit on dirt to make mud, wiped it on a blind man's eyes and told him to go wash it off so he could see. Jesus loved on them, but didn't pity them or allow them to wallow in self-indulgence. That's what my husband kinda did today. <3 

We walked around at the Citadel outlets this afternoon and it was nice. But I got realllly tired. I'm not getting enough calories to do that kind of activity. We got two pairs of shoes for my BB, some trail running Nikes for my HH and a pair of Nike lounge pants for me. Oh! And a couple gifts for my nephews. But I'm going to go back for those trail shoes myself. That'll be the only exercise I can really do soon and I have a great trail by my house. I just gotta make sure I eat enough to make up for it. Oh, fun moment of the day: I had to have something to "eat" so we stopped for some fro-yo. I went to the public restroom to remove my rubber bands and EVERYONE was staring at me like what the heck? HAHA! Instead of being embarrassing, it was really funny. The tool that I use to remove them looks like a pair of scissors so it must've been extra confusing for people, since most people know nothing about jaw surgery. The end. 

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

Try not to be too jealous, but tonight I made a shake out of a neapolitan ice cream sandwich because I needed every calorie. There are some perks here and there. Haha! I made a chicken tortilla soup on the fly because I had no other ideas for dinner and I needed to make something that I could also eat. It actually came out really good so I'll share the recipe.
I'm attempting to start moving my upper lip area more often in order to hopefully restore some feeling and movement there. Annnnd reduce the ridiculous swelling. The people who are around me most keep saying it's not that bad and I know compared to before, it's really not. But my good 'ol neighbor makes sure I know that, yup, it's pretty bad. My skin is kinda getting better though. So that's a plus. The time to return to work is coming up really fast now! I can't believe it. It's a foreign concept to think about having to be awake and ready by a certain time and to also be at work for 9 hours. And on top of that they implemented a whole new system right after I left. AND I still have to deal with adapting/blending meals, eating them as neatly as I can (nearly impossible), keeping my mouth meticulously clean and being banded shut and unable to speak. Argh. It'll be a new challenge. I'm a little conflicted as to whether I should continue my habit of getting up for 10 minutes every hour to move around (sitting for long periods is extremely detrimental to your health!) or if I should conserve the calories. I'm not sure. On that note, I weighed 98 pounds this morning (sad I know) and 101 pounds by 8:30pm! It fluctuates like that all the time. I look so pitifully skinny and boney around my shoulders and arms. And my butt...it's just a sad situation. Worse than losing weight (that's EASY to put back on) I've lost all my muscle. I was just starting to put a tiny bit back on after having my son and now it's all gone. THAT'S harder to put on. But it'll be my new focus and challenge once I conquer this recovery. By the way, I was going to take a before and after picture of my milkshake but I was so excited that I forgot...and quickly ate it.
My uncle in Florida sent me a message saying that he's praying for me and that I am very brave. That really makes me feel good! I guess, by the grace of God, I kinda am! It's true that bravery is not the lack of fear, it's doing difficult things despite feeling fear. That's a new label for me but I'm gonna make sure I get used to it.
Super cute moments of the day: the ice cream man was driving by (the source of the ice cream sandwich) and my BB stood at the door and yelled at the top of his lungs STOP! STOP! while holding out his little palm, his face pressed to the broken screen. I taught him that hahaha. Later, while he was playing in his playroom, I was able to kiss him almost the way I used to do all the time (which is repeatedly kissing him all over his little cheek). He must've noticed because he put down the toy he was playing with and turned his precious little face right up to mine and smiled the sweetest smile. Then he put his cheek back out as if to say, go on, continue. SOOOOO SWEET! What else could you need in life?

Whatever's In Your Pantry Chicken Tortilla Soup

4 cups chicken broth (I used the broth I made when boiling my chicken breasts)

2 cups shredded cooked chicken

1 cup frozen corn, thawed

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 1/2 large corn tortillas, sliced into strips

1 cup salsa (mine was too spicy for my weak cuban palate)

1 can condensed cream of chicken soup (I had the low fat one)

1-1.5 tsp cumin

1 tsp whole oregano (rub it in between your palms before dropping in to release all the oils/aroma)

1 tsp dried cilantro (or fresh if you have it but add it at the end)

pinch of salt and pepper, to taste

Add all the ingredients to your favorite pot and simmer away. The longer the better because the flavors marry and the broth thickens. I did a little over 30 minutes. Top with cheese or whatever else you like and enjoy! (I blended it and it was creamy and delicious)

Confident Conqueror and Metal Mouth

I'm so relieved to find out that the surgeon still feels that my recovery is progressing wonderfully. He also felt that the potential hole in the roof of my mouth is looking good. He seemed really relieved about that. He did mention that there was "debris" (meaning food) in the top back of the right side of my mouth. Ew. He showed me how to move my jaw to be better able to reach back there but I can still taste food there (so gross, I know) and I don't see anything there when I look. It's weird. I rinse excessively when I'm brushing my teeth so I blame the giant plastic splint for trapping food there. I do my best. I was able to show my HH my x-ray today and I took a picture so I could share with all of you (the 2 of you who faithfully read my blog haha). This is why I will set off metal detectors:

My 6 plates and 31 screws

I had the BEST soup for dinner tonight. My HH graciously went out to grab it for me after a long afternoon. It was lemon chicken orzo soup from Corner Bakery. WOW. So so good. It came in a sourdough bread bowl that had apparently come freshly out of the oven so it was warm and soft. I scraped out all of the soft filling and blended it with the soup. The aroma was heavenly! It's a new fave.

I read a devotional based on Romans 8:17, "Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us". It talked about we should believe this with our whole hearts. Believing this truth should give us confidence in every area of life. It should reassure us that before anything (or anyone) ever comes against us, before any trouble strikes in our lives, we have already conquered it and we will learn something from it that will help us in the future.  We already have the victory in all things when we have Jesus in our hearts. Such a great truth. This should give us confidence all the time, if we really believe it. It should also help us remember that everything is temporary. This too, shall pass. My recovery is long, but I'm not alone and it's not forever. I will come out stronger not only physically but hopefully also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That is, if I stop whining long enough to learn what God is trying to teach me.

Everything is Temporary

I am really starting to feel like myself, like I'm back to normal. Although feeling and actually being are two different things. Other than the fact that the area above my upper lip feels almost completely stiff and slightly numb (and the giant plastic splint in my mouth), I feel like I could go for a run, go to work or just do any of the things I used to do. I can almost forget that I am recovering by the way I feel. It's pretty cool. I just wish the process and healing would catch up with the way I feel. It's really amazing how quickly bones can fuse back together but when you're waiting for the ok to do a million things, it feels like a lifetime. Tomorrow I go back to see the surgeon again and I'm curious what he will have to say about many things. I really need to ask a lot of questions because he does NOT offer information at all. When he finally emailed me back about my rubber band issue, it turned out that I don't even need to be wearing them the same way anymore and that the only thing that matters is that the bottom teeth touch the splint up top. WHY would he let me leave the appointment without telling me that?! Isn't that what the whole point of the appointment is about? He is obsessive and overly cautious, yet blase at the same time. It's confusing.
We got a little rain today. It was cozy at home! I just wished my HH was here to snuggle with me and watch a movie. We like to eat hot kettle corn with m&ms and pop one of each at a time while watching movies. Buuuuuut I can't do that right now. Soon enough. Time will pass faster than I think. My little sister brought up a good point at Easter; when our babies are born and we aren't sleeping, we're healing and hurting, irritable and feeling fat, we can't wait for them to grow up a little and start sleeping through the night. We feel eager to get back to feeling like ourselves physically and mentally. Then BAM, one day we wake up and we're wishing we could go back because the time passed faster than we realized. She said my recovery will be like that. I really hope so. Surprisingly, it really helps when people say encouraging things, even if they are pointing out things that I already know. I'm blessed.

New Life

Easter was pretty great. My family and I spent it at a park and I thought it was going to be really hard. But it ended up not being so bad. It was pretty tough being around the spread of food that a holiday brings and I got a little tired at the end but nothing major. My BB had so much fun so that was really nice to see. He got a lot of attention which is great because I'm not always able to be as attentive as he needs. I'm really struggling to think of ways to make my HH feel special or just to give him some type of gift in thanks for everything he has done and is doing everyday. I'm not good at this kind of thing when I feel "pressured" to think of something. I do randomly get great ideas for gifts for people, just not when I need them haha. Hate that. But it was a great day celebrating the resurrection and being reminded that because of what Jesus did I have access to abundant life here and now, healing, restoration and eternal life. Pretty amazing and it took on a more significant meaning this year. Being that I'm in the middle of struggling with discouragement and  trying to heal from this surgery. It was really empowering.
I noticed significant improvement in the swelling this morning so THAT'S really encouraging! My family notices a difference daily but I'm usually not able to see it at all, so today when I woke up and was able to see a difference myself, it was exciting. Last night I had a bit of an issue with my rubber bands. I wear 6 and 2 of them are wayyy back on the sides of my mouth and really tough to put on. For some reason, I could not put on the one on the right side. The rubber band kept breaking which would send my metal tong like tool jamming into my gums, right where I have some stitches. I did it 3 times and it bled every time. It was making me so anxious so I left the back 2 bands out. That in turn made me feel tons of pressure on my other teeth. My surgeon, as wonderful as he is and I'm thankful for him, does not explain ANYTHING to me. So I was really nervous about deciding what the lesser evil would be, leaving out the bands or trying again and hitting stitches. Like I said I opted for leaving them out and it just really didn't feel right. I googled the reason for wearing rubber bands after surgery (which I really shouldn't have to do) and apparently it's all about adjusting and perfecting your bite and it really matters.  I just emailed the surgeon about it, prayed, and went to bed. But now, here I am again wondering, should I try to put them on this morning? I want to avoid going under for any reason like the plague and I also wouldn't want to get stitches redone while I'm awake so I really don't want to mess with that area. Argh! I may get creative and place some wet cotton balls over the area  so that if it happens again it'll hit the cotton and not my gums but that's in theory, not sure if it'll really work. Wish me luck.

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

My surgeon has spoken people (through email but same thing), I can now eat pudding, applesauce, soft noodles, refried beans, mashed potatoes and the like. YAY!! This is a huge step for me. It's confirmation that I am moving forward and progress is and will continue to be made. I am beyond excited, motivated and encouraged. God is so good. I dedicated this morning to reading a devotional and praying first thing because I felt that it would be the best start to my day and get my mind set on the right track. This is what I read:

From Joyce Meyer's book New Day New You : 366 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life, which I received as a gift from a great friend.

Hopefully this helps someone else today. I sent it to a friend who replied that it was exactly what she needed this morning, so God is busy blessing people today. I am now more excited about Easter on Sunday since I can join my family in eating lunch like a somewhat normal person. Woohoo! Hopefully by next Wednesday I have an answer for why I am still banded shut. I think just understanding will bring some sense of relief from the frustration it causes. 

Tonight, I hope to watch a movie with my hubby and smell his hamburger and fries while I enjoy some soup and refried beans! Happy Good Friday! 

Disappointment Strikes Again

What a roller coaster this whole process is. Yesterday was my second post-op appointment and I was expecting to be told that I can now eat oatmeal, applesauce, pudding, etc. And even though I knew that I would still have rubber bands, I thought every week brought a reduction in the amount and an increase in the elasticity. Not for this girl. This is now the start of my third week of recovery and my surgeon still wants me in rubber bands 24/7. I've researched a lot online about jaw surgery and the recovery process and to my understanding, surgeons avoid wiring and banding people shut these days. Not only that, but they encourage chewing, yawning and the like within the first week. Yet here I am, week 3, none of that is happening. He also mentioned that because of the tension in the tissue in my upper arch (due to the expansion he did there) I may develop a hole that would then cause sinus issues and need repairing. Um, what? So he now doesn't want me to use the syringe to eat (or create any suction) and you would think I would be happy but that means that every single time I eat, I have to take my 6 rubber bands off and then rinse and/or brush and then put them back on. People, this is a painful and annoying process. So, he just gave me more work. I also opened the last bottle of antibiotics yesterday morning and thought "yay!" only to arrive at the appointment and have him tell me that he is starting me on two new antibiotics "just to be safe". One of these awesome meds tastes disgusting and has the craziest possible side effects I have ever seen. But, let's be safe, it's not like I'm not uncomfortable or anything. I now also need to take off rubber bands  to take each dose of medicine by the way. Just to make the day more complete, my son had a major meltdown (in his defense he was EXHAUSTED and had been so good for me running errands all day) almost all the way home, the pharmacy took over an hour just to tell me that they were out of one of the meds and that they needed to "make" my other one (since I need it in liquid form). I told them to send the one they were out of to my home pharmacy and then waited 45 more minutes for them to make the other. (When I went to pick it up today here at home, they had filled it at the other pharmacy so I had to wait hours for them to sort it all out, so cool). On top of all that, I'm still an unrecognizable (to me) swollen version of myself. It's hard not to get grouchy and angry and frustrated. I want to eat, I want to be able to express myself! I want to at least know WHEN I can expect to do those things. Everything is so up in the air and my life is so different and it's hard. 

At CVS today, the cashier asked me "are you wired shut?" with this judgmental tone to her voice. I answered yes and showed her my teeth and when she asked why I pointed to my jaw. Her reply, "oh you broke your jaw? Ok, I thought you were trying to lose weight. I was gonna say, you're going to disappear". Really!?! Well, I'm so glad she approves of what I'm doing. Another neighbor saw me today and mentioned that she had noticed I was not around and had been wondering why. I was not wearing bands so I was able to tell her what's going on. She then tells me, about 3 times, how swollen I am. Thanks. She is a really nice lady and I know she had no bad or mean intentions but....why? Does she not think I'm aware? She wants to be sure I know? UGH. I just can't get over this whole crazy timeline. My surgeon had said multiple times before my surgery, that the recovery process was 5 weeks. This is NOT a 5 week process. I feel so misled. It makes me angry. I feel stuck in this place now and I don't feel like I was able to make an informed decision. Even though I've known I needed this surgery most of my life and I would have needed to do it anyway but, it makes me mad that I had such a mistaken idea of what to expect. Or maybe I was just naive about it? I dunno...I just feel like they should make it clear that you will not look like yourself for potentially an entire year, that you may not be able to talk or eat anything other than liquids for weeks, and all the other aspects that affect your day to day. My surgeon even had the nerve to tell me (before surgery) that his patients are never really swollen because he gives good directions, that within a week, they are ok. So I never ever worried about that. But then again, maybe he is blind to it because he told me yesterday that I look great and asked me if I'm happy with it. Ummmm what????? I honestly cannot even remember what I used to look like without looking at a picture. My skin is also constantly shiny and feels like it's peeling at the same time (which I read in many blogs is a consequence of this terrific surgery). 

Ok this blog entry is SUCH a bummer that you all will probably never want to read another one but I do have some sunshine to share: my sweet little Baby Bear gave me SO many kisses today, patted my back and brought me so many colorful flowers and my beautiful friend helped me get my eyes off of myself when I reached out to her. She pointed out that today is when the Last Supper took place, that tomorrow is Good Friday, when Jesus died for our sins and that Sunday will be Easter. A time for celebration, hope and new beginnings. She also lovingly reminded me to trust God. Maybe I need all this to keep bringing me back to the realization that it's not all about me. Even now, when things are hard. (I seem to forget often as I focus on all my physical challenges and discomforts) She encouraged me to take a few moments and reflect on the significance of these events, what the disciples and Jesus went through and what their experiences/actions have done for me. It left me grounded. Like taking a breath of fresh air. I think I need this daily, maybe every hour? Can someone volunteer to follow me around and slap me every time I start to get sucked down into self-pity? I'm now accepting applications. 

Be still my heart...