The Ups and Downs...

I started the day on a great note and then at breakfast (our first time eating out since my surgery - I had oatmeal and coffee) I just kinda got snippy with my husband. I literally thought to myself as he looked at me with a confused expression, "what was that?". Then I was fine. But I did that a couple more times during the day. I remembered later in the evening that I had read somewhere that when someone feels depressed, they can sometimes lash out in anger. I'm not saying I'm a depressed person and I never have been (thank God, that must be very difficult) but I know that recovering from a major surgery can sometimes bring about temporary moments of depression. It felt like a lightbulb turned on and I explained to my husband what I thought it was and apologized. This was a good thing, but then I started to cry. I know it's normal to have good days and bad days but man, this back and forth that I sometimes feel in the space of just 24 hours just plain sucks. It just felt hard today to deal with all the metal things poking me, the exhaustion just from walking, the hunger and inability to eat, the rubber bands, the difficulty of finding food when out and about, exasperation with my own mood swings, guilt, impatience and the ugliness and discomfort of my face. These pitiful thoughts will bounce into my head out of nowhere: "I'm such a drag on everyone around me", "I ruin everyone's fun because I can't do anything", "this recovery is going to last forever", "I feel so ugly, I bet my husband is embarrassed" on and on and on. I know these are lies and I do my best to give them to God as soon as I come to my senses but it's annoying! Anyway, my HH followed me into the kitchen and gave me some gentle tough love (is that possible? lol). He reminded me how I came from needing him to help me get to the bathroom to being able to cook, do laundry and take walks less than a month later. He pointed out all the small goals I've met and the next goals that I can look forward to. He also reminded me that I look lightyears better than I did the day of the surgery. He also very sweetly told me that I am very brave and that he could never do it and he knows it must be so tough and that's why he never gives me a hard time about my moods or times when I get down. He encouraged me to stay positive and look at what's coming. It was just what I needed. It was pretty amazing because my devotional this morning talked about how Jesus, although filled with compassion for people, never allowed anyone to wallow in self-pity. It pointed out how He would often encourage people to do what they could to help themselves, to stop looking at their problems long enough to look instead at what they could do about them. He showed tough love. He told the lame man to pick up his mat and walk. He spit on dirt to make mud, wiped it on a blind man's eyes and told him to go wash it off so he could see. Jesus loved on them, but didn't pity them or allow them to wallow in self-indulgence. That's what my husband kinda did today. <3 

We walked around at the Citadel outlets this afternoon and it was nice. But I got realllly tired. I'm not getting enough calories to do that kind of activity. We got two pairs of shoes for my BB, some trail running Nikes for my HH and a pair of Nike lounge pants for me. Oh! And a couple gifts for my nephews. But I'm going to go back for those trail shoes myself. That'll be the only exercise I can really do soon and I have a great trail by my house. I just gotta make sure I eat enough to make up for it. Oh, fun moment of the day: I had to have something to "eat" so we stopped for some fro-yo. I went to the public restroom to remove my rubber bands and EVERYONE was staring at me like what the heck? HAHA! Instead of being embarrassing, it was really funny. The tool that I use to remove them looks like a pair of scissors so it must've been extra confusing for people, since most people know nothing about jaw surgery. The end. 

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

Try not to be too jealous, but tonight I made a shake out of a neapolitan ice cream sandwich because I needed every calorie. There are some perks here and there. Haha! I made a chicken tortilla soup on the fly because I had no other ideas for dinner and I needed to make something that I could also eat. It actually came out really good so I'll share the recipe.
I'm attempting to start moving my upper lip area more often in order to hopefully restore some feeling and movement there. Annnnd reduce the ridiculous swelling. The people who are around me most keep saying it's not that bad and I know compared to before, it's really not. But my good 'ol neighbor makes sure I know that, yup, it's pretty bad. My skin is kinda getting better though. So that's a plus. The time to return to work is coming up really fast now! I can't believe it. It's a foreign concept to think about having to be awake and ready by a certain time and to also be at work for 9 hours. And on top of that they implemented a whole new system right after I left. AND I still have to deal with adapting/blending meals, eating them as neatly as I can (nearly impossible), keeping my mouth meticulously clean and being banded shut and unable to speak. Argh. It'll be a new challenge. I'm a little conflicted as to whether I should continue my habit of getting up for 10 minutes every hour to move around (sitting for long periods is extremely detrimental to your health!) or if I should conserve the calories. I'm not sure. On that note, I weighed 98 pounds this morning (sad I know) and 101 pounds by 8:30pm! It fluctuates like that all the time. I look so pitifully skinny and boney around my shoulders and arms. And my butt...it's just a sad situation. Worse than losing weight (that's EASY to put back on) I've lost all my muscle. I was just starting to put a tiny bit back on after having my son and now it's all gone. THAT'S harder to put on. But it'll be my new focus and challenge once I conquer this recovery. By the way, I was going to take a before and after picture of my milkshake but I was so excited that I forgot...and quickly ate it.
My uncle in Florida sent me a message saying that he's praying for me and that I am very brave. That really makes me feel good! I guess, by the grace of God, I kinda am! It's true that bravery is not the lack of fear, it's doing difficult things despite feeling fear. That's a new label for me but I'm gonna make sure I get used to it.
Super cute moments of the day: the ice cream man was driving by (the source of the ice cream sandwich) and my BB stood at the door and yelled at the top of his lungs STOP! STOP! while holding out his little palm, his face pressed to the broken screen. I taught him that hahaha. Later, while he was playing in his playroom, I was able to kiss him almost the way I used to do all the time (which is repeatedly kissing him all over his little cheek). He must've noticed because he put down the toy he was playing with and turned his precious little face right up to mine and smiled the sweetest smile. Then he put his cheek back out as if to say, go on, continue. SOOOOO SWEET! What else could you need in life?

Whatever's In Your Pantry Chicken Tortilla Soup

4 cups chicken broth (I used the broth I made when boiling my chicken breasts)

2 cups shredded cooked chicken

1 cup frozen corn, thawed

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed

1 1/2 large corn tortillas, sliced into strips

1 cup salsa (mine was too spicy for my weak cuban palate)

1 can condensed cream of chicken soup (I had the low fat one)

1-1.5 tsp cumin

1 tsp whole oregano (rub it in between your palms before dropping in to release all the oils/aroma)

1 tsp dried cilantro (or fresh if you have it but add it at the end)

pinch of salt and pepper, to taste

Add all the ingredients to your favorite pot and simmer away. The longer the better because the flavors marry and the broth thickens. I did a little over 30 minutes. Top with cheese or whatever else you like and enjoy! (I blended it and it was creamy and delicious)

Confident Conqueror and Metal Mouth

I'm so relieved to find out that the surgeon still feels that my recovery is progressing wonderfully. He also felt that the potential hole in the roof of my mouth is looking good. He seemed really relieved about that. He did mention that there was "debris" (meaning food) in the top back of the right side of my mouth. Ew. He showed me how to move my jaw to be better able to reach back there but I can still taste food there (so gross, I know) and I don't see anything there when I look. It's weird. I rinse excessively when I'm brushing my teeth so I blame the giant plastic splint for trapping food there. I do my best. I was able to show my HH my x-ray today and I took a picture so I could share with all of you (the 2 of you who faithfully read my blog haha). This is why I will set off metal detectors:

My 6 plates and 31 screws

I had the BEST soup for dinner tonight. My HH graciously went out to grab it for me after a long afternoon. It was lemon chicken orzo soup from Corner Bakery. WOW. So so good. It came in a sourdough bread bowl that had apparently come freshly out of the oven so it was warm and soft. I scraped out all of the soft filling and blended it with the soup. The aroma was heavenly! It's a new fave.

I read a devotional based on Romans 8:17, "Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him Who loved us". It talked about we should believe this with our whole hearts. Believing this truth should give us confidence in every area of life. It should reassure us that before anything (or anyone) ever comes against us, before any trouble strikes in our lives, we have already conquered it and we will learn something from it that will help us in the future.  We already have the victory in all things when we have Jesus in our hearts. Such a great truth. This should give us confidence all the time, if we really believe it. It should also help us remember that everything is temporary. This too, shall pass. My recovery is long, but I'm not alone and it's not forever. I will come out stronger not only physically but hopefully also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That is, if I stop whining long enough to learn what God is trying to teach me.

Everything is Temporary

I am really starting to feel like myself, like I'm back to normal. Although feeling and actually being are two different things. Other than the fact that the area above my upper lip feels almost completely stiff and slightly numb (and the giant plastic splint in my mouth), I feel like I could go for a run, go to work or just do any of the things I used to do. I can almost forget that I am recovering by the way I feel. It's pretty cool. I just wish the process and healing would catch up with the way I feel. It's really amazing how quickly bones can fuse back together but when you're waiting for the ok to do a million things, it feels like a lifetime. Tomorrow I go back to see the surgeon again and I'm curious what he will have to say about many things. I really need to ask a lot of questions because he does NOT offer information at all. When he finally emailed me back about my rubber band issue, it turned out that I don't even need to be wearing them the same way anymore and that the only thing that matters is that the bottom teeth touch the splint up top. WHY would he let me leave the appointment without telling me that?! Isn't that what the whole point of the appointment is about? He is obsessive and overly cautious, yet blase at the same time. It's confusing.
We got a little rain today. It was cozy at home! I just wished my HH was here to snuggle with me and watch a movie. We like to eat hot kettle corn with m&ms and pop one of each at a time while watching movies. Buuuuuut I can't do that right now. Soon enough. Time will pass faster than I think. My little sister brought up a good point at Easter; when our babies are born and we aren't sleeping, we're healing and hurting, irritable and feeling fat, we can't wait for them to grow up a little and start sleeping through the night. We feel eager to get back to feeling like ourselves physically and mentally. Then BAM, one day we wake up and we're wishing we could go back because the time passed faster than we realized. She said my recovery will be like that. I really hope so. Surprisingly, it really helps when people say encouraging things, even if they are pointing out things that I already know. I'm blessed.

New Life

Easter was pretty great. My family and I spent it at a park and I thought it was going to be really hard. But it ended up not being so bad. It was pretty tough being around the spread of food that a holiday brings and I got a little tired at the end but nothing major. My BB had so much fun so that was really nice to see. He got a lot of attention which is great because I'm not always able to be as attentive as he needs. I'm really struggling to think of ways to make my HH feel special or just to give him some type of gift in thanks for everything he has done and is doing everyday. I'm not good at this kind of thing when I feel "pressured" to think of something. I do randomly get great ideas for gifts for people, just not when I need them haha. Hate that. But it was a great day celebrating the resurrection and being reminded that because of what Jesus did I have access to abundant life here and now, healing, restoration and eternal life. Pretty amazing and it took on a more significant meaning this year. Being that I'm in the middle of struggling with discouragement and  trying to heal from this surgery. It was really empowering.
I noticed significant improvement in the swelling this morning so THAT'S really encouraging! My family notices a difference daily but I'm usually not able to see it at all, so today when I woke up and was able to see a difference myself, it was exciting. Last night I had a bit of an issue with my rubber bands. I wear 6 and 2 of them are wayyy back on the sides of my mouth and really tough to put on. For some reason, I could not put on the one on the right side. The rubber band kept breaking which would send my metal tong like tool jamming into my gums, right where I have some stitches. I did it 3 times and it bled every time. It was making me so anxious so I left the back 2 bands out. That in turn made me feel tons of pressure on my other teeth. My surgeon, as wonderful as he is and I'm thankful for him, does not explain ANYTHING to me. So I was really nervous about deciding what the lesser evil would be, leaving out the bands or trying again and hitting stitches. Like I said I opted for leaving them out and it just really didn't feel right. I googled the reason for wearing rubber bands after surgery (which I really shouldn't have to do) and apparently it's all about adjusting and perfecting your bite and it really matters.  I just emailed the surgeon about it, prayed, and went to bed. But now, here I am again wondering, should I try to put them on this morning? I want to avoid going under for any reason like the plague and I also wouldn't want to get stitches redone while I'm awake so I really don't want to mess with that area. Argh! I may get creative and place some wet cotton balls over the area  so that if it happens again it'll hit the cotton and not my gums but that's in theory, not sure if it'll really work. Wish me luck.

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

My surgeon has spoken people (through email but same thing), I can now eat pudding, applesauce, soft noodles, refried beans, mashed potatoes and the like. YAY!! This is a huge step for me. It's confirmation that I am moving forward and progress is and will continue to be made. I am beyond excited, motivated and encouraged. God is so good. I dedicated this morning to reading a devotional and praying first thing because I felt that it would be the best start to my day and get my mind set on the right track. This is what I read:

From Joyce Meyer's book New Day New You : 366 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life, which I received as a gift from a great friend.

Hopefully this helps someone else today. I sent it to a friend who replied that it was exactly what she needed this morning, so God is busy blessing people today. I am now more excited about Easter on Sunday since I can join my family in eating lunch like a somewhat normal person. Woohoo! Hopefully by next Wednesday I have an answer for why I am still banded shut. I think just understanding will bring some sense of relief from the frustration it causes. 

Tonight, I hope to watch a movie with my hubby and smell his hamburger and fries while I enjoy some soup and refried beans! Happy Good Friday! 

Disappointment Strikes Again

What a roller coaster this whole process is. Yesterday was my second post-op appointment and I was expecting to be told that I can now eat oatmeal, applesauce, pudding, etc. And even though I knew that I would still have rubber bands, I thought every week brought a reduction in the amount and an increase in the elasticity. Not for this girl. This is now the start of my third week of recovery and my surgeon still wants me in rubber bands 24/7. I've researched a lot online about jaw surgery and the recovery process and to my understanding, surgeons avoid wiring and banding people shut these days. Not only that, but they encourage chewing, yawning and the like within the first week. Yet here I am, week 3, none of that is happening. He also mentioned that because of the tension in the tissue in my upper arch (due to the expansion he did there) I may develop a hole that would then cause sinus issues and need repairing. Um, what? So he now doesn't want me to use the syringe to eat (or create any suction) and you would think I would be happy but that means that every single time I eat, I have to take my 6 rubber bands off and then rinse and/or brush and then put them back on. People, this is a painful and annoying process. So, he just gave me more work. I also opened the last bottle of antibiotics yesterday morning and thought "yay!" only to arrive at the appointment and have him tell me that he is starting me on two new antibiotics "just to be safe". One of these awesome meds tastes disgusting and has the craziest possible side effects I have ever seen. But, let's be safe, it's not like I'm not uncomfortable or anything. I now also need to take off rubber bands  to take each dose of medicine by the way. Just to make the day more complete, my son had a major meltdown (in his defense he was EXHAUSTED and had been so good for me running errands all day) almost all the way home, the pharmacy took over an hour just to tell me that they were out of one of the meds and that they needed to "make" my other one (since I need it in liquid form). I told them to send the one they were out of to my home pharmacy and then waited 45 more minutes for them to make the other. (When I went to pick it up today here at home, they had filled it at the other pharmacy so I had to wait hours for them to sort it all out, so cool). On top of all that, I'm still an unrecognizable (to me) swollen version of myself. It's hard not to get grouchy and angry and frustrated. I want to eat, I want to be able to express myself! I want to at least know WHEN I can expect to do those things. Everything is so up in the air and my life is so different and it's hard. 

At CVS today, the cashier asked me "are you wired shut?" with this judgmental tone to her voice. I answered yes and showed her my teeth and when she asked why I pointed to my jaw. Her reply, "oh you broke your jaw? Ok, I thought you were trying to lose weight. I was gonna say, you're going to disappear". Really!?! Well, I'm so glad she approves of what I'm doing. Another neighbor saw me today and mentioned that she had noticed I was not around and had been wondering why. I was not wearing bands so I was able to tell her what's going on. She then tells me, about 3 times, how swollen I am. Thanks. She is a really nice lady and I know she had no bad or mean intentions but....why? Does she not think I'm aware? She wants to be sure I know? UGH. I just can't get over this whole crazy timeline. My surgeon had said multiple times before my surgery, that the recovery process was 5 weeks. This is NOT a 5 week process. I feel so misled. It makes me angry. I feel stuck in this place now and I don't feel like I was able to make an informed decision. Even though I've known I needed this surgery most of my life and I would have needed to do it anyway but, it makes me mad that I had such a mistaken idea of what to expect. Or maybe I was just naive about it? I dunno...I just feel like they should make it clear that you will not look like yourself for potentially an entire year, that you may not be able to talk or eat anything other than liquids for weeks, and all the other aspects that affect your day to day. My surgeon even had the nerve to tell me (before surgery) that his patients are never really swollen because he gives good directions, that within a week, they are ok. So I never ever worried about that. But then again, maybe he is blind to it because he told me yesterday that I look great and asked me if I'm happy with it. Ummmm what????? I honestly cannot even remember what I used to look like without looking at a picture. My skin is also constantly shiny and feels like it's peeling at the same time (which I read in many blogs is a consequence of this terrific surgery). 

Ok this blog entry is SUCH a bummer that you all will probably never want to read another one but I do have some sunshine to share: my sweet little Baby Bear gave me SO many kisses today, patted my back and brought me so many colorful flowers and my beautiful friend helped me get my eyes off of myself when I reached out to her. She pointed out that today is when the Last Supper took place, that tomorrow is Good Friday, when Jesus died for our sins and that Sunday will be Easter. A time for celebration, hope and new beginnings. She also lovingly reminded me to trust God. Maybe I need all this to keep bringing me back to the realization that it's not all about me. Even now, when things are hard. (I seem to forget often as I focus on all my physical challenges and discomforts) She encouraged me to take a few moments and reflect on the significance of these events, what the disciples and Jesus went through and what their experiences/actions have done for me. It left me grounded. Like taking a breath of fresh air. I think I need this daily, maybe every hour? Can someone volunteer to follow me around and slap me every time I start to get sucked down into self-pity? I'm now accepting applications. 

Be still my heart...