Disappointment Strikes Again

What a roller coaster this whole process is. Yesterday was my second post-op appointment and I was expecting to be told that I can now eat oatmeal, applesauce, pudding, etc. And even though I knew that I would still have rubber bands, I thought every week brought a reduction in the amount and an increase in the elasticity. Not for this girl. This is now the start of my third week of recovery and my surgeon still wants me in rubber bands 24/7. I've researched a lot online about jaw surgery and the recovery process and to my understanding, surgeons avoid wiring and banding people shut these days. Not only that, but they encourage chewing, yawning and the like within the first week. Yet here I am, week 3, none of that is happening. He also mentioned that because of the tension in the tissue in my upper arch (due to the expansion he did there) I may develop a hole that would then cause sinus issues and need repairing. Um, what? So he now doesn't want me to use the syringe to eat (or create any suction) and you would think I would be happy but that means that every single time I eat, I have to take my 6 rubber bands off and then rinse and/or brush and then put them back on. People, this is a painful and annoying process. So, he just gave me more work. I also opened the last bottle of antibiotics yesterday morning and thought "yay!" only to arrive at the appointment and have him tell me that he is starting me on two new antibiotics "just to be safe". One of these awesome meds tastes disgusting and has the craziest possible side effects I have ever seen. But, let's be safe, it's not like I'm not uncomfortable or anything. I now also need to take off rubber bands  to take each dose of medicine by the way. Just to make the day more complete, my son had a major meltdown (in his defense he was EXHAUSTED and had been so good for me running errands all day) almost all the way home, the pharmacy took over an hour just to tell me that they were out of one of the meds and that they needed to "make" my other one (since I need it in liquid form). I told them to send the one they were out of to my home pharmacy and then waited 45 more minutes for them to make the other. (When I went to pick it up today here at home, they had filled it at the other pharmacy so I had to wait hours for them to sort it all out, so cool). On top of all that, I'm still an unrecognizable (to me) swollen version of myself. It's hard not to get grouchy and angry and frustrated. I want to eat, I want to be able to express myself! I want to at least know WHEN I can expect to do those things. Everything is so up in the air and my life is so different and it's hard. 

At CVS today, the cashier asked me "are you wired shut?" with this judgmental tone to her voice. I answered yes and showed her my teeth and when she asked why I pointed to my jaw. Her reply, "oh you broke your jaw? Ok, I thought you were trying to lose weight. I was gonna say, you're going to disappear". Really!?! Well, I'm so glad she approves of what I'm doing. Another neighbor saw me today and mentioned that she had noticed I was not around and had been wondering why. I was not wearing bands so I was able to tell her what's going on. She then tells me, about 3 times, how swollen I am. Thanks. She is a really nice lady and I know she had no bad or mean intentions but....why? Does she not think I'm aware? She wants to be sure I know? UGH. I just can't get over this whole crazy timeline. My surgeon had said multiple times before my surgery, that the recovery process was 5 weeks. This is NOT a 5 week process. I feel so misled. It makes me angry. I feel stuck in this place now and I don't feel like I was able to make an informed decision. Even though I've known I needed this surgery most of my life and I would have needed to do it anyway but, it makes me mad that I had such a mistaken idea of what to expect. Or maybe I was just naive about it? I dunno...I just feel like they should make it clear that you will not look like yourself for potentially an entire year, that you may not be able to talk or eat anything other than liquids for weeks, and all the other aspects that affect your day to day. My surgeon even had the nerve to tell me (before surgery) that his patients are never really swollen because he gives good directions, that within a week, they are ok. So I never ever worried about that. But then again, maybe he is blind to it because he told me yesterday that I look great and asked me if I'm happy with it. Ummmm what????? I honestly cannot even remember what I used to look like without looking at a picture. My skin is also constantly shiny and feels like it's peeling at the same time (which I read in many blogs is a consequence of this terrific surgery). 

Ok this blog entry is SUCH a bummer that you all will probably never want to read another one but I do have some sunshine to share: my sweet little Baby Bear gave me SO many kisses today, patted my back and brought me so many colorful flowers and my beautiful friend helped me get my eyes off of myself when I reached out to her. She pointed out that today is when the Last Supper took place, that tomorrow is Good Friday, when Jesus died for our sins and that Sunday will be Easter. A time for celebration, hope and new beginnings. She also lovingly reminded me to trust God. Maybe I need all this to keep bringing me back to the realization that it's not all about me. Even now, when things are hard. (I seem to forget often as I focus on all my physical challenges and discomforts) She encouraged me to take a few moments and reflect on the significance of these events, what the disciples and Jesus went through and what their experiences/actions have done for me. It left me grounded. Like taking a breath of fresh air. I think I need this daily, maybe every hour? Can someone volunteer to follow me around and slap me every time I start to get sucked down into self-pity? I'm now accepting applications. 

Be still my heart...