The Ups and Downs...

I started the day on a great note and then at breakfast (our first time eating out since my surgery - I had oatmeal and coffee) I just kinda got snippy with my husband. I literally thought to myself as he looked at me with a confused expression, "what was that?". Then I was fine. But I did that a couple more times during the day. I remembered later in the evening that I had read somewhere that when someone feels depressed, they can sometimes lash out in anger. I'm not saying I'm a depressed person and I never have been (thank God, that must be very difficult) but I know that recovering from a major surgery can sometimes bring about temporary moments of depression. It felt like a lightbulb turned on and I explained to my husband what I thought it was and apologized. This was a good thing, but then I started to cry. I know it's normal to have good days and bad days but man, this back and forth that I sometimes feel in the space of just 24 hours just plain sucks. It just felt hard today to deal with all the metal things poking me, the exhaustion just from walking, the hunger and inability to eat, the rubber bands, the difficulty of finding food when out and about, exasperation with my own mood swings, guilt, impatience and the ugliness and discomfort of my face. These pitiful thoughts will bounce into my head out of nowhere: "I'm such a drag on everyone around me", "I ruin everyone's fun because I can't do anything", "this recovery is going to last forever", "I feel so ugly, I bet my husband is embarrassed" on and on and on. I know these are lies and I do my best to give them to God as soon as I come to my senses but it's annoying! Anyway, my HH followed me into the kitchen and gave me some gentle tough love (is that possible? lol). He reminded me how I came from needing him to help me get to the bathroom to being able to cook, do laundry and take walks less than a month later. He pointed out all the small goals I've met and the next goals that I can look forward to. He also reminded me that I look lightyears better than I did the day of the surgery. He also very sweetly told me that I am very brave and that he could never do it and he knows it must be so tough and that's why he never gives me a hard time about my moods or times when I get down. He encouraged me to stay positive and look at what's coming. It was just what I needed. It was pretty amazing because my devotional this morning talked about how Jesus, although filled with compassion for people, never allowed anyone to wallow in self-pity. It pointed out how He would often encourage people to do what they could to help themselves, to stop looking at their problems long enough to look instead at what they could do about them. He showed tough love. He told the lame man to pick up his mat and walk. He spit on dirt to make mud, wiped it on a blind man's eyes and told him to go wash it off so he could see. Jesus loved on them, but didn't pity them or allow them to wallow in self-indulgence. That's what my husband kinda did today. <3 

We walked around at the Citadel outlets this afternoon and it was nice. But I got realllly tired. I'm not getting enough calories to do that kind of activity. We got two pairs of shoes for my BB, some trail running Nikes for my HH and a pair of Nike lounge pants for me. Oh! And a couple gifts for my nephews. But I'm going to go back for those trail shoes myself. That'll be the only exercise I can really do soon and I have a great trail by my house. I just gotta make sure I eat enough to make up for it. Oh, fun moment of the day: I had to have something to "eat" so we stopped for some fro-yo. I went to the public restroom to remove my rubber bands and EVERYONE was staring at me like what the heck? HAHA! Instead of being embarrassing, it was really funny. The tool that I use to remove them looks like a pair of scissors so it must've been extra confusing for people, since most people know nothing about jaw surgery. The end.